Chapter 4: Your Body After Birthing a Baby + a $100 Babies R Us Giveaway!

I remember when I was pregnant with Kate & about to be a first time mom.

I was filled with excitement, anticipation & feeling like I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.

Even though I had babysat a ton in middle school & high school and was comfortable around babies, I wanted to make sure Kevin and I were TOTALLY prepared for when baby came. 

The last few months of my pregnancy we got the nursery ready, we registered, people threw me baby showers. We were "prepared" with all the baby items.

Our hospital offered classes for expecting parents. We took the Infant CPR class,  care of Newborn class, the breastfeeding class, took the hospital tour and of course took the 2 day Labor & Delivery class. I read books, and articles & websites. Information overload, but I was prepared!

We were ready!

My due date came & went and 2 days after, my doctor decided to induce me because it was a "big" baby.  

The induction went well, I was pumped full of pitocin, got an epidural 12 hours into it, had to push for almost 3 hours and then heard the most glorious words ever spoken, "It's a GIRL!"

We were overcome with emotion, so happy to have delivered a healthy 8.5 pound baby girl. 

Which left me with a 2nd degree tear and almost 20 stitches. Yowza.

I was on an adrenaline rush & felt no pain. And also, epidural. Thank you, Jesus.

Because of my long labor,  I hadn't slept in 36 hours, but I was on cloud 9.  I went to sleep that night with our baby girl in the isolette next to me in the hospital room feeling incredible. 

I had just birthed a baby. I was officially a mother.

I woke up the next morning being poked prodded by nurses who were checking on me "down there" It had been over 12 hours since  I gave birth, so all the meds had worn off.

I felt like I had been hit by a semi-truck.

 My whole body hurt. 

My legs, my arms, my neck, my jaw muscles, my face. 

I was a college athlete. I played all 4 years of college & did 3 a days during preseason.

I thought I was tough & had a good pain tolerance.

But, this? The after birth pain? Ridiculous.

My right hand, my index, middle and ring fingers had nerve damage from holding my legs while pushing for 3 hours.

The tips of those 3 fingers were numb and tingly. It was very strange. It lasted 2 weeks!

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THE AFTER BIRTH PAIN?

I took all those classes at the hospital. 

I had tons of friends who had babies.

NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THE AFTER BIRTH PAIN!

Why doesn't anyone talk about it?

No one tells you about that pain you feel the next day after giving birth! 

Or the amount of blood that comes out of you!!!

The blood, oh the blood.

Since my birth with Kate, I made sure EVERY WOMAN I knew who was pregnant & having a baby for the first time was informed about the after birth. 

More people need to talk about it. 

There needs to be awareness about the blood & the pain that you feel in your lady parts.

And, it didn't just last for a few days.

About a week after having Kate, I was having pain when I went #2.

The hospital sent me home with stool softeners, but when they ran out a few days later, I never got a new bottle. I thought I was fine.

I was not fine.

Every time I went to the bathroom, it felt like I was (excuse my language) "shitting a knife". 

There was blood and I couldn't sit down for a few hours after going #2.

I assumed it was a hemorrhoid.

I managed to not get hemorrhoids during my pregnancy, but I assumed that I developed one while pushing out a baby for 3 hours.

 I made an appointment with my doctor to get my 'roid checked out.

He did a full on 'roid check. 

That was embarrassing. And uncomfortable.

Turns out it wasn't a hemrohoid. 

It was an ANAL FISSUE.

Which is basically a tear in your a$$ hole.

Lovely.

Because I tore so badly in my lady parts when giving birth, it also caused tears in the other whole.

 Every time I went #2, it got worse.  And because I stopped my stool softeners a few days after giving birth, it really caused issues, like an Anal Fissue.

Because of my fissure (who I referred to as Fred the Fissure), 

I had to be on stool softeners and sit on a pillow until Kate was SIX MONTHS OLD.

I couldn't use toilet paper (too painful) but had to use moist towelettes every time I went to the bathroom.  FOR SIX MONTHS.

Why do I tell you these things?

Because no one told me about the after birth pain.

No class mentioned it & none of my friends who had given birth talked about it.

But me? I tell all my 1st time to be mom friends about it.

The good news? 

My after birth & recoveries with Claire & Luke were a piece of cake.

But that first time? That was rough.

Moral of the story?

Don't stop taking Stool Softeners until a few weeks after birth or you might end up with some issues like  me. Somehow, that got left out of all the books & classes I read while preparing for Kate's birth & becoming a mother. Stool softeners are your friend. Fred the Fissure is not.

And, also?

Talk about your after birth stories with friends. 

You can learn a lot from each other.

My story is Chapter 4 in the MAM Blogger Real Parenting Guide. I encourage you to read other chapters and find out more about all the stuff, like the bottles, pacifiers and teethers that MAM makes to make the job of parenting easier.

Want to win a $100 Babies “R” Us gift card?

Leave a comment below answering the following question: “What’s the funniest thing you said while in labor?”

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This sweepstakes runs from 08/21/13-10/07/13.

Be sure to visit the MAM Brand Page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ posts and find more chances to win!

Let's chalk this up as one of my most embarrassing moments, like EVER.

 It was bound to happen. 

I thought I was in the clear. 

Only 29 days of school left, which means only 29 more times I have to pump at lunch in my classroom. 

My LOCKED classroom.

I successfully pumped at school after I had both girls.

Everyday during my lunch, it's the same routine. 

I close all the blinds in my classroom.

I lock my door. 

Then I double check to make sure my door is locked. 

I go back to my desk, hook up my pump and spend the next 10 minutes pumping.

I always have my pump on my desk next to my laptop as a shield, you know...just in case someone came in my room. 

But, that wouldn't happen because my door is ALWAYS locked.

 Several times this year I have had some close calls. 

I'll be pumping & a student will try and open my door because they forgot something in my room...PE clothes, pencil pouch, notebook, etc.  

It always startles me when I hear the door handle being pulled, but it's always locked, so the student just leaves. 

{My pumping "station" in my classroom}

Let's rewind to yesterday. 

The lunch bell rang, I did what I always do. 

Closed the blinds, locked the door, double checked the door, set up my pump & lap top and start pumping. 

A few minutes into lunch, I hear a student knock on my door & then try and open it. 

It's locked, so no big deal. I keep pumping. 

5 minutes later, I hear talking outside my door, someone trying to open the door and then....

THE DOOR OPENS.

Standing in the doorway is the custodian and one of my students.

PANIC.

SHOCK. 

HORROR.

I screamed. 

Then, shouted,

"SHUT THE DOOR! I WILL BE OUT IN A MINUTE"

O.M.G. 

HOLY $#!%

NO. That did not just happen. NO.

Panicked, they shut the door and left. And took my dignity with them.

Flustered, I stopped my pump, buttoned up my shirt and ran outside to see why in the world they needed to come to my room.

My sweet student had left her lunch in my room and when the door was locked, went and got the custodian to unlock my door. 

She couldn't even LOOK me in the face as I handed her her lunch bag.

And, the poor custodian. He was mortified & said he was so sorry. 

O.M.G

I am "telling" myself that my pump and laptop were a good enough barricade and that no one saw anything. Yeah....that's what I'm telling myself. 

O.M.G.

I don't know who is more traumatized.

Me, my student or the custodian. 

I called Kevin for moral support and he couldn't stop laughing. 

So, then I obviously texted my sister because she had a close call (same situation) earlier this year.

Ain't NOBODY got time for THAT kind of Embarrassment.

Ain't NOBODY got time to get walked in on while pumping. 

Ain't NOBODY got time for THAT.  



{You need to watch this video if you haven't seen it. Funniest 42 second of your day}

I've had my share of embarrassing moments in my life. 

Like in 5th grade when I peed my pants at soccer.

Or, in 6th grade when a sea gull POOPED on my head while on a school field trip to Alcatraz and I had poop on my head and shirt whole day.

And, in 7th grade when I was at the community pool and took off my shorts to jump in the pool and realized that I forgot to put on my bathing suit.

And, my senior year of high school when I found out I had LICE the day of Senior Prom (I need to blog that story, seriously)

Or, my 2nd day of teaching EVER and my coffee spilt ALL over my shirt 1st period, so all day long I had a huge coffee spill all down my shirt. (That prompted me to ALWAYS have a spare black cardigan in my desk drawer)

And, that time when I was pregnant with Claire with horrible morning sickness and puked in the Target parking lot (with several people watching)

So yeah. Embarrassing things happen to me. I'm cool with it.

But, what happened yesterday? 

Yep. Pretty sure that one takes the cake. 

With a glass of (breast)milk to go with it.

It's been 24 hours & I can laugh about it. Oh my.

Feel free make me feel better and share any of your embarrassing moments in the comments.

Or, leave a comment ASSURING me that my pump and laptop were a good enough barricade and that they didn't see anything. If I am told that enough times, I might start to believe it & get some of my dignity back.

More Friday Funnies

Happy Friday!

It's time for some more Friday Funnies!

In June, I posted some of my favorite Someecards, and I have discovered some new ones that make me giggle.

I am SOOOO ready for the Election to be over. 

I am just not a political person, so this was perfect for me:

And, this is also true. Election year means it's also the Olympic year!

I've been back to school for over 2 weeks now. Last week was conference week & I had to conference with students who I have only known for a week. {awkward}

This card was PERFECT:

And, this is perfect for some of the emails my middle school students send me. 

They email me using text talk. Yikes.

Thank you, Tegan for showing me this card. Love it!

And by unconsious, I mean sleeping children. Right? Right.

This one is hysterical...I am 33 not 13, I shouldn't like his songs...(even if they do get stuck in my head!)

Love the birthday cards:

I am really good about remembering people's birthdays, it is one of my special talents.
I am kind of a freak show about birthdays/dates. Although, Facebook reminders are nice!

Speaking of birthdays and old people...My Grammy turns 101 tomorrow!!!

(Don't worry, she hasn't been driving for years!)

I know this isn't a Someecard, but it is funny.

My brother in law is a HUGE Dodgers Fan (ugh) and our whole family are Giants fans. 

My cousin posted this after the Giants won the NLCS. So funny (to me!)

And, this also makes me smile. It was posted after Game 1 of the World Series when Pablo Sandoval (who's nickname is Panda) hit 3 homeruns.

I am sorry if you are sick of me posting about Giants Baseball, we are just big fans. 

The World Series will be over next week, so just bear with me for a few more days :)

Hope you have a GREAT Friday and a wonderful weekend.

I can't wait to for Luke to meet his Great Grammy tomorrow on her 101st Birthday!!!
It's going to be a big birthday bash! You only turn 101 once!

Happy weekend, friends!

Friday Funnies

Thanks for all your comments on yesterday's post! Glad to know I am not alone!

I thought I would lighten the mood today & leave you with some of my favorite Someecards.
I just love these & have been saving some of my favorites!

Love this one:
This is so true!

Love the pinterest ones:

Seriously, what did we do before Pinterest?

Dream Job:

Every Friday Night. Word!

This is me when I am not pregnant:

Love you, Mom:

I do this EVERY time I do laundry:

Team Diet Coke. Won't even touch Diet Pepsi. *gross*

I bet my students feel this way:

YES!!!! Or, this could be changed to a Starbucks card:

This is for Kevin:

So is this one. His boss cranks the AC up so high in the summer, so Kevin has to keep his NorthFace fleece in his office during the summer months because it is so cold in there!

Amen to this:

This is SO me. Except, it is more like 6 years. Oops.

This is the first thing I do when I get home, bra comes off!

Amen.

This is for my sister, Rebecca. She did this twice yesterday.

Sharts happen. LOL!
Amen & Amen:

What's your favorite one?

Speaking of Friday Funnies, my hysterical & awesome friend Wendy's book (which will make you laugh & cry!), Totally Desperate Mom, is a Plum District Deal right now!
3 books for $25 (and free shipping!) 10% of her proceeds are going to a battered woman's shelter.
Click HERE for the deal!

Happy Friday!!

This is what happens...

...when your 2 year old grabs a Red Velvet Cupcake off the counter without asking.

I couldn't get mad.
I mean, how can you get mad at this face?

All I could do is laugh (and get my camera, of course!)
Thanks for the entertainment, Claire!

Kids Ask the Darnedest Things, Part 2

Oh my word.

Ready for Part 2 of THIS saga?

Because I wasn't!!!
Here it goes....

As I was getting my bathing suit on to go swimming, Kate walks into our dressing area.
(I am in the middle of changing)

She walks in and exclaims this as she sees me changing:

Kate: "Oh! I get it! I came out of this hole (pointing to my left breast) and Claire came out of that hole (pointing to my right)

Me: (trying not to laugh) Umm, no those aren't the holes you came out of........

Kate: Hmmm. Well, hurry up and get your bathing suit on, it's time to go swimming.

Me: Yes, Kate...Let's go swimming. Now.
(so I don't have to continue yet another awkward conversation)
Seriously. Where does she come up with this stuff?
She has seen me shower/change before (and, both girls were nursed for a year), so it's not like she was seeing something new.
This girl sure is keeping me entertained.
Can't wait to see what she comes up with next...

Kids Ask the Darnedest Things

Kate & I had an "interesting" conversation the other day.
{Don't you love her outfit? It's her ladybug costume & her snow hat. She is getting ready to go to Tahoe}

The conversation went a little something like this:

Kate: Mommy, how did I get in your tummy? Did you eat me?

Me: No, I didn't eat you. Mommy & Daddy loved each other very much & decided it was time for a baby.

Kate: But how did I get IN your tummy?

Me (starting to feel awkward): Well, we prayed for a baby and God put you in my tummy.

Kate: But, how did God put me in your tummy? A hole?

Me (muttering under my breath): Ummmm....yeah, kinda though a hole.

Kate: Well, if God put me in your tummy, then how did I get out of your tummy?

Me: Well, the Doctor said it was time for you to come out.

Kate: Did he look in your tummy & say, "There's a baby girl in there! She needs to come out?"

Me: Yep. That is exactly what happened. The doctor knew we were ready to meet you.
(which was true....I was induced both times.)

Kate: Oh. Can I have some cereal?

Kate is not even 3.5 yet.
Isn't this early for her to start asking me these kinds of things?!?
(Although, last year she did have THIS conversation with Kevin.)
I was TOTALLY not prepared her questions (obviously, based on my lame responses)
Does anyone have any tips on what to say if this conversation comes up again?
Any books I should read? How much info does she really need to know at this age? What is appropriate?

Help! I can't take another awkward conversation with my 3 year old! ahhhh!!!

***Edited on June 3oth:
Click HERE to read part 2

Epic Easter Bunny Fail.

Before you scroll down to see this year's Easter Bunny picture,
be sure to click HERE to see the Easter Bunny pictures from the last 3 years!
It will give you a nice preview of what to expect.

Okay, are you back?

It goes without saying that my girls don't like the Easter Bunny.

Here is the 2010 Epic Easter Bunny FAIL:
{click to enlarge}

Classic! I am a mean mommy & LOVE pictures like this.
My girls didn't disappoint me this year! ha!
We were quite the scene at the mall this afternoon.

I wish you could see the cute shirts I made them using my friend Julie's tutorial.

So, here they are up close (since you can't see them in the Easter Bunny picture:

I am pretty happy how they turned out considering this is the first thing I have sewn without any help at all!