October 15th.

Today, October 15th is National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant loss.
This includes all babies who have died because of miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other infant death.

 

I have shared my story of loss before and I will continue to share it every October 15th because it is a reminder to me (and hopefully others) about God's love & faithfulness.

It reminds me that God has a plan for my life (and yours!) and that HIS plan is better than my plan - Always.

I had 2 miscarriages before I had Kate. 

  Ectopic Pregnancy at 6 weeks on October 22, 2002 (due date June 23, 2003) 

Miscarriage at 10 weeks D&C on October 25, 2005 (due date May 26, 2006)  

 I still think about them & wonder.

Were they a boy or a girl?
I could have a 12.5 year old and an 9.5 year old.

But then I wouldn't have my Kate, Claire or Luke.

 God has a plan. His timing is perfect. Trust in Him.

This is what would remind myself during my saddest days.
In the process of having miscarriages & sharing about them, I have met many, many women who have lost their sons and daughters. I have friends, family & co workers who have had miscarriages. I have several friends who have lost their babies at full term, days & months after having them. I can't imagine the pain they have suffered.
The Lord has broken my heart for families who have to endured these types of losses. I don't fully know the pain these families have gone through, but I have felt a small fraction of it.  

This is one of the reasons I felt called in 2008 to become a volunteer photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep 7 years ago. I cannot take away the pain of someone's loss, but I can give them something to remember their child by. You can read about my journey to become a volunteer with them HERE. 
  
For those of you who are new to my blog or haven't read it before,  here is my story of loss:
(I post this every October 15th) 
Kevin and I got married on August 24, 2002. We wanted to wait 3-4 years to have kids. I was on the pill and took it religiously at the same time every day. Imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant 2 months after we got married. We had always wanted kids, just not so soon after getting married. I went to the doctor & they gave me a due date of June 23, 2003. I was FREAKING out & couldn't believe I was pregnant. This pregnancy was our "honeymoon baby". Apparently I got pregnant on our honeymoon.  

Unfortunately, a few days after I found out I was pregnant in October of 2002, I woke up to an intense pain on my left side & when I went to the bathroom I was massively bleeding & then I passed out. Kevin rushed in and woke me up & we rushed to my doctor & after some tests, he informed me that I was having an ectopic pregnancy & that I had to go immediately to the hospital for emergency surgery because the condition was life threatening for me. 

So, that Tuesday night in late October, I was rushed to the hospital for surgery. Luckily, I have one of the best doctors in the area & he was able to save my left fallopian tube (it was already starting to rupture). I am glad that I was unaware of how serious ectopic pregnancies can be. I didn't realize I could have died if my tube ruptured. Even though my doctor saved my fallopian tube (and my life!), I always wondered how this would effect my ability to get pregnant & have kids. One of my biggest dreams was to be a mommy & for the next few years I wondered if that would ever happen. 
  

  Fast forward to the summer of 2005.  

This is when we decided to start "trying". We got lucky & I got pregnant the 2nd month after we started trying. I was due May 26, 2006. Kevin and I were thrilled. I couldn't wait to have a baby & be a mommy. I was relieved that the ectopic pregnancy didn't effect my ability to get pregnant. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I went in for blood work to make sure my numbers were doubling. My dr called and told me my progesterone was low & I needed to be on progesterone suppositories 2 times a day. Let me tell, you , those are NOT fun. Nasty. 
My pregnancy was progressing, at 6 weeks the nausea hit big time & I was throwing up 2-3 times a day. I was miserable, but it was worth it. We had our first ultrasound at almost 6 weeks to make sure the baby was in my uterus and not my tube. The baby was in my uterus & I scheduled another appt at 8 weeks for the heartbeat check. The 8 week ultra sound was no so great. There was a heart beat, but it was very low & took my doctor a long time to find it. He said I needed to come back in a week for another heartbeat check. At that appointment, there was still a slow heartbeat, but the baby was not growing on track & was only measuring 7 weeks. My doctor warned us not to be too optimistic, but I still had really bad morning sickness and was getting sick a few times a day. I thought that was a good sign. I had to go in again at 10 weeks for another heartbeat & growth check. At the 10 week appointment, the heart had stopped beating. 
We had lost the baby & my doctor scheduled me in for a D&C that night. 
It was a Tuesday night in late October, just like 3 years before.  
As I walked into the hospital for surgery, I felt like I was on Groundhog Day. Another surgery to remove another baby from my body that didn't make it. After my D&C, I was going through the motions of life. We were told to wait 3 cycles before we could try again so that my body could heal. Those were 3 very long, hard & dark months for me. I was numb. My 2nd miscarriage hit me so much harder than my first one. I was mad at God for taking this baby from us. It took me about 6 months to process it.
 During that time, I had a lot of support from family & friends and for that, I am thankful.  
I am thankful to my awesome & supportive husband who would hold me as I cried many nights mourning our loss wondering if I would ever have a baby. I would cry myself to sleep whenever a friend told me they were pregnant. I was truly happy for them, but SO sad for me. It was just another reminder of what I didn't have. I am thankful to our pastor who helped me process some of my feelings & emotions during the months after our loss. 
  I am thankful to my mom who encouraged me during this time & gave me hope (she had 4 losses in between me & my younger sister including an ectopic & a placenta separation at 21 weeks).  
I am thankful for my best friend AK. She had 2 miscarriages around the same time I did. I was able to call her & cry with someone who was going through the same thing I was. She understood my pain. 
  I am thankful to my dear friend Lorie who had suffered 2 losses. She shared her prayer journal with me & held me up in prayer when I was too sad to pray for myself. After we good the go ahead to start trying again, it took us 3 months and we got pregnant in May of 2006. We found out on Kevin's 31st birthday, (a week before my "due date" with my 2nd miscarriage) We were excited, but I was really nervous about having another miscarriage. I was a stress case & paranoid my entire pregnancy. On January 23, 2007 , I gave birth to our beautiful Katelyn Grace.
It was a moment I will never forget & an emotion I can't put into words.

One of my favorite pictures EVER (30 seconds after Kate was born)

I was reminded again at the miracle of life when Claire was born 7 years ago and when Luke was born 3 years ago.
God has a plan. His timing is perfect. Trust in Him.
My kids are a reminder of that truth.
 
I never thought I would say this, but part of me is grateful I have been through miscarriages because it has given me compassion & a heart for those who have also suffered losses. My miscarriages caused me to cling to God & put my faith, hope & trust in HIM instead of myself. 
It drew me closer to Christ as I clung to Psalm 20:4: "May He give you the desires of your heart and make your plans succeed." 
God was faithful to me even though many times, I have been unfaithful to Him. 
  I am thankful to God who carried me through a dark time & showed me that He was there for me & He did have a plan for me & that HIS timing is better than my timing.
 Because of this, when I hear of others who have suffered a loss, I mourn with them. I pray for them, I listen, I cry with them. My heart breaks with them.I can't make them feel better or make their pain go away, but I can make it less lonely. 
 I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. 
I was reminded again & again that God has a purpose & a plan even when I don't understand.  

 What I have learned through my journey is that I was NOT alone during a time where I felt so alone and when it seemed like EVERYONE around me was pregnant, except me. God was there, carrying me through this tough time.
 
I discovered that intercessory prayer is powerful. 
To have people praying for you when you don't have the words to pray yourself is humbling.
If you have lost a baby through miscarriage or infant death, I want to pray for you on this day of remembrance.

So, if you are one of those women who needs prayer will you please leave a comment on this post and tell me your name so that I can be praying for you?
You can comment Anonymously if you don't want to leave your name.

If you are someone struggling with infertility, I want to pray for you.
If you are waiting to adopt, you will also be lifted up in prayer.
If you want, you can include the nature of your loss, and the child's names so that we can pray for you. 
If you want to leave an anonymous comment, you can do that also.  
If you haven't lost a child, will you join me in praying for those who have?

Praying for Newtown.

I was going to blog about something else today.

But then I saw the news about the school shooting in Connecticut.

As I read the article, I saw the name of the town and the name of the Elementary School.

They sounded familiar & I immediately realized why.

Earlier this week, I had just addressed a Christmas Card to my friend Laura who lives in that town with her husband & 4 children.

I immediately started panicking & hoping it wasn't her kids school.

I sent her an email. Didn't hear anything back.

I looked up her address on google maps...the school was less than a mile from her house.

It was her kids school. I got a lump in my throat.

Tears filled my eyes & I called out to Jesus.

"God....Please let Laura's children be safe. Please."

I got an email back from Laura. 

Her kids were alive, but they saw things happen that no child (or adult) should witness or experience.

What has happened is Horrible. Awful. Heartbreaking. 

I have been anxiety ridden all day.

Thankfully, my students were testing all day, so I didn't have a lesson to teach. 

I wouldn't been able to, I have been too distracted & heartbroken about what has happened.

I wanted to drive over to Kate's school & pick her up. 

Innocent Kindergarteners lives (like my Kate) were taken.

There are children whose beds will be empty tonight.

Presents under their Christmas tree that will never be opened.

Devastating. There are no words to do it justice.

I am a teacher....the last thing you expect to happen at school is a shooting. 

I don't know those children will ever feel safe in school again.

What do I do when I am stressed? 

I pray, I write & I create.

So, I made this image as a reminder to pray.

{Feel free to use & share}

Pray for the community of Newtown, Connecticut.

Pray for my friend Laura and her children.

Pray for the families who lost loved ones today.

Pray that Jesus would wrap HIS loving arms around them and comfort them.
Pray that God would give them a peace that surpasses all understanding.
Hug your loved ones extra tight today.
Jesus, come quickly.
Come heal this broken world of ours.

Remembering.

Today, October 15th is National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant loss. This includes all babies who have died because of miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other infant death.

I have shared my story of loss before and I will continue to share it every October 15th because it is a reminder to me (and hopefully others) about God's love & faithfulness.

It reminds me that God has a plan for my life (and yours!) and that HIS plan is better than my plan - Always.

I had 2 miscarriages before I had Kate. Ectopic Pregnancy at 6 weeks on October 22, 2002 (due date June 23, 2003) Miscarriage at 10 weeks D&C on October 25, 2005 (due date May 26, 2006) I still think about them & wonder.
Were they a boy or a girl?
(I have a gut feeling/instinct they were both boys)
I could have a 9.5 year old and a 6.5 year old.

But then I wouldn't have my Kate, Claire or Luke.
 
God has a plan. His timing is perfect. Trust in Him.
This is what would remind myself during my saddest days.
In the process of having miscarriages & sharing about them, I have met many, many women who have lost their sons and daughters. I have friends, family & co workers who have had miscarriages. I have several friends who have lost their babies at full term, days & months after having them. I can't imagine the pain they have suffered.
The Lord has broken my heart for families who have to endured these types of losses. I don't fully know the pain these families have gone through, but I have felt a small fraction of it. This is one of the reasons I felt called me to become a volunteer photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep 2 years ago. I cannot take away the pain of someone's loss, but I can give them something to remember their child by. You can read about my journey to become a volunteer with them HERE. For those of you who are new to my blog, here is my story of loss:
(I post this every October 15th) Kevin and I got married on August 24, 2002. We wanted to wait 3-4 years to have kids. I was on the pill and took it religiously at the same time every day. Imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant 2 months after we got married. We had always wanted kids, just not so soon after getting married. I went to the doctor & they gave me a due date of June 23, 2003. I was FREAKING out & couldn't believe I was pregnant. This pregnancy was our "honeymoon baby". Apparently I got pregnant on our honeymoon. Unfortunately, a few days after I found out I was pregnant in October of 2002, I woke up to an intense pain on my left side & when I went to the bathroom I was massively bleeding & then I passed out. Kevin rushed in and woke me up & we rushed to my doctor & after some tests, he informed me that I was having an ectopic pregnancy & that I had to go immediately to the hospital for emergency surgery because the condition was life threatening for me. So, that Tuesday night in late October, I was rushed to the hospital for surgery. Luckily, I have one of the best doctors in the area & he was able to save my left fallopian tube (it was already starting to rupture). I am glad that I was unaware of how serious ectopic pregnancies can be. I didn't realize I could have died if my tube ruptured. Even though my doctor saved my fallopian tube (and my life!), I always wondered how this would effect my ability to get pregnant & have kids. One of my biggest dreams was to be a mommy & for the next few years I wondered if that would ever happen. 
  Fast forward to the summer of 2005.  
This is when we decided to start "trying". We got lucky & I got pregnant the 2nd month after we started trying. I was due May 26, 2006. Kevin and I were thrilled. I couldn't wait to have a baby & be a mommy. I was relieved that the ectopic pregnancy didn't effect my ability to get pregnant. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I went in for blood work to make sure my numbers were doubling. My dr called and told me my progesterone was low & I needed to be on progesterone suppositories 2 times a day. Let me tell, you , those are NOT fun. Nasty. 
My pregnancy was progressing, at 6 weeks the nausea hit big time & I was throwing up 2-3 times a day. I was miserable, but it was worth it. We had our first ultrasound at almost 6 weeks to make sure the baby was in my uterus and not my tube. The baby was in my uterus & I scheduled another appt at 8 weeks for the heartbeat check. The 8 week ultra sound was no so great. There was a heart beat, but it was very low & took my doctor a long time to find it. He said I needed to come back in a week for another heartbeat check. At that appointment, there was still a slow heartbeat, but the baby was not growing on track & was only measuring 7 weeks. My doctor warned us not to be too optimistic, but I still had really bad morning sickness and was getting sick a few times a day. I thought that was a good sign. I had to go in again at 10 weeks for another heartbeat & growth check. At the 10 week appointment, the heart had stopped beating. 
We had lost the baby & my doctor scheduled me in for a D&C that night. 
It was a Tuesday night in late October, just like 3 years before.  
As I walked into the hospital for surgery, I felt like I was on Groundhog Day. Another surgery to remove another baby from my body that didn't make it. After my D&C, I was going through the motions of life. We were told to wait 3 cycles before we could try again so that my body could heal. Those were 3 very long, hard & dark months for me. I was numb. My 2nd miscarriage hit me so much harder than my first one. I was mad at God for taking this baby from us. It took me about 6 months to process it.
 During that time, I had a lot of support from family & friends and for that, I am thankful.  
I am thankful to my awesome & supportive husband who would hold me as I cried many nights mourning our loss wondering if I would ever have a baby. I would cry myself to sleep whenever a friend told me they were pregnant. I was truly happy for them, but SO sad for me. It was just another reminder of what I didn't have. I am thankful to our pastor who helped me process some of my feelings & emotions during the months after our loss. 
  I am thankful to my mom who encouraged me during this time & gave me hope (she had 4 losses in between me & my younger sister including an ectopic & a placenta separation at 21 weeks).  
I am thankful for my best friend AK. She had 2 miscarriages around the same time I did. I was able to call her & cry with someone who was going through the same thing I was. She understood my pain. 
  I am thankful to my dear friend Lorie who had suffered 2 losses. She shared her prayer journal with me & held me up in prayer when I was too sad to pray for myself. After we good the go ahead to start trying again, it took us 3 months and we got pregnant in May of 2006. We found out on Kevin's 31st birthday, (a week before my "due date" with my 2nd miscarriage) We were excited, but I was really nervous about having another miscarriage. I was a stress case & paranoid my entire pregnancy. On January 23, 2007 , I gave birth to our beautiful Katelyn Grace.
It was a moment I will never forget & an emotion I can't put into words.One of my favorite pictures EVER (30 seconds after Kate was born)

I was reminded again at the miracle of life when Claire was born 4 years ago and when Luke was born in August.

God has a plan. His timing is perfect. Trust in Him.
My kids are a reminder of that truth.
I never thought I would say this, but part of me is grateful I have been through miscarriages because it has given me compassion & a heart for those who have also suffered losses. My miscarriages caused me to cling to God & put my faith, hope & trust in HIM instead of myself.It drew me closer to Christ as I clung to Psalm 20:4: "May He give you the desires of your heart and make your plans succeed."God was faithful to me even though many times, I have been unfaithful to Him. I am thankful to God who carried me through a dark time & showed me that He was there for me & He did have a plan for me & that HIS timing is better than my timing.Because of this, when I hear of others who have suffered a loss, I mourn with them. I pray for them, I listen, I cry with them. My heart breaks with them.I can't make them feel better or make their pain go away, but I can make it less lonely.I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.I was reminded again & again that God has a purpose & a plan even when I don't understand.  
If you are/have struggled through Infertility/Loss/Adoption then you might be interested in this event called Choose Joy that will be on February 9th in Southern California. My friend Julie is one of the speakers, so I know it will be an amazing & encouraging time.

{Click the button to find out more}

 What I have learned through my journey is that I was NOT alone during a time where I felt so alone and when it seemed like EVERYONE around me was pregnant, except me. God was there, carrying me through this tough time.
 
I discovered that intercessory prayer is powerful. To have people praying for you when you don't have the words to pray yourself is humbling.
If you have lost a baby through miscarriage or infant death, I want to pray for you on this day of remembrance.
So, if you are one of those women, will you please leave a comment on this post and tell me your name so that I can be praying for you?
If you are someone struggling with infertility, I want to pray for you.
If you are waiting to adopt, you will also be lifted up in prayer.
If you want, you can include the nature of your loss, and the child's names so that we can pray for you. If you want to leave an anonymous comment, you can do that also. If you haven't lost a child, will you join me in praying for those who have?

Charity Water + Project 320 Update

For the past few years, God has put something on my heart.

Water.
The lack of clean water in our world, especially 3rd world countries breaks my heart.

In Africa alone, people spend 40 billion hours every year just walking for water. Women and children usually bear the burden of water collection, walking miles to the nearest source, which is unprotected and likely to make them sick.
Time spent walking and resulting diseases keep them from school, work and taking care of their families.
This is not okay.

For the past few years, I have been a part of Project 320 with 5 other bloggers who also have a heart for water & with your help we have been able to raise money through charity:water to build wells for villages in Africa.

My husband's heart has also been broken by lack of clean water.
2 years ago, he was a small group leader for a group of high school seniors.
Our church had a pay it forward campaign and certain people at our church were given $100 and challenged to multiply that money or do something good with that money.
Kevin took $100 for his small group of high school boys and they decided they wanted to use that $100 to help fund a well through charity:water.
The high school boys set up a page on charity:water & then at school carried around a Jerry Can (the cans they use to collect water in Africa) and got donations from students & teachers. After a few months, they raised over $5000, enough for a well. The high school boys named their well project "LIFE WELL" because they knew that water is LIFE. And, by building a well, a village would now have new life. This was in the Spring 2010. They found out this Spring that their well was being built in Ethiopia. Last month, Kevin got an email from a woman, Viktoria, who works at charity:water saying she just came back from Ethiopia visiting the village where their well was built. The well was completed & working. The people in the village were so incredibly grateful. Here is a letter that Viktoria (who works for charity:water) sent Kevin:

Hi Kevin,

I work here at charity: water and I just got back from a trip to Ethiopia where we happened to visit the community where your well is currently serving people with clean water!

I thought you might like to see some photos, and a little video of it.

Also, the village gave us a beautifully framed photo of what their water looked like before, and what the well looks like after. They went through great lengths to go to the

nearest town and get it printed and framed, so I thought I'd mail it to you. If you can give me your mailing address, I'll send that along. I also have an Ethiopian scarf they gave me as a gift, so

I'll pass that on to you too.

You'll get a formal report from charity: water a few months from now, (it takes us some time to gather all the data and report back to everyone on their water projects) but I thought

I'd get this to you right away as I was just there.

Thanks so much for what you do for charity: water, I know the people here are so thankful, and so excited to be drinking clean water.
Viktoria Harrison

www.charitywater.org

Along with the letter, she attached these pictures of the villagers with the well:
Clean, fresh water has now saved this village. I get chills every time I see these pictures.
Close up of the plaque on the well.
It says Life Well, funded by Charity:Water.
The villagers were so grateful to Kevin & his group of high school boys that when Viktoria was in Ethiopia, they wanted to give her something to give to Kevin & the guys.
They took pictures of their water, before and after.
They traveled to another town to get the pictures framed.
Here are the villagers with the frame:
And, here is the frame that arrived at our house from Charity:Water via the small village in Ethiopia:
The village also sent an Ethiopian scarf that one of the woman in the village made as a thank you.
Amazing, Amazing, Amazing.
If this doesn't move you, I don't know what will.

Thousands of people die each day because of lack of clean water.
But, you can make a difference.
Here's how:
In 2009, Project 320 was formed & with the help of all of you, we raised over $10,000 and funded 2 wells. 2 villages in Africa have clean water because of YOU.
Last year, in 2010, we raised over $5,000 and built another well that has changed the lives of the people in a village.
It's 2011, which means it's time to build another well!
We still have water on our hearts and minds.
We still want to do what we can to change lives half a world away.

We are going to use the same model we used last year for Project 320.

Monday, December 12th will kick off Project 320 Giveaway week.

We are inviting anyone with a blog, be it one followed by millions or dozens, to host a giveaway.
Handmade, vintage, or store bought. Freedom and creativity is the only guideline. It could be one pretty thing, or a whole bundle of fabulous.

Each $10 donation to the 2011 Project 320 Well will count for one entry in one giveaway.

Each blogger is then individually responsible for choosing a winner, verifying the donation, and shipping off the prize(s).

Little things= Big changes.

First thing Monday morning, a linky will be set up on the Project 320 page for you to add in your giveaway post.
Then use social media for good and spread the word.

Until then, think of what you would like to give away.
Post our button in your sidebar.
Write up a sneak peek post.
Pray.
Be ready to help change the world one village at a time.


<a href="http://project320.blogspot.com/"><center><img src="http://i726.photobucket.com/albums/ww267/fabkcreative/Project-320.gif"/></center></a>
Can't wait to see what God does next week!
Let's build another Well!!!
I hope you will join us!

A Day of Remembrance

Today, October 15th is National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant loss. This includes all babies who have died because of miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other infant death.

Unfortunately, I am one of many women who has suffered a loss.

I had 2 miscarriages before I had my girls.

Ectopic Pregnancy at 6 weeks on October 22, 2002 (due date June 23, 2003)
Miscarriage at 10 weeks D&C on October 25, 2005 (due date May 26, 2006)

I still think about them & wonder.
Were they a boy or a girl?
(I have a gut feeling/instinct they were both boys)
I could have a 7.5 year old and a 4.5 year old.
But then I wouldn't have Kate or Claire.
God has a plan. His timing is perfect. Trust in Him.
This is what would remind myself during my saddest days.

In the process of having miscarriages & sharing about them, I have met many, many women who have lost their sons and daughters. I have friends, family & co workers who have had miscarriages. I have several friends who have lost their babies at full term, days & months after having them. I can't imagine the pain they have suffered.

The Lord has broken my heart for families who have to endured these types of losses. I don't fully know the pain these families have gone through, but I have felt a small fraction of it.

This is one of the reasons I felt called me to become a volunteer photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep 2 years ago. I cannot take away the pain of someone's loss, but I can give them something to remember their child by.
You can read about my journey to become a volunteer with them HERE.

For those of you who are new to my blog, here is my story of loss:
(I also posted this last year on October 15)

Kevin and I got married on August 24, 2002. We wanted to wait 3-4 years to have kids. I was on the pill and took it religiously at the same time every day. Imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant 2 months after we got married. We had always wanted kids, just not so soon after getting married. I went to the doctor & they gave me a due date of June 23, 2003. I was FREAKING out & couldn't believe I was pregnant. This pregnancy was our "honeymoon baby". Apparently I got pregnant on our honeymoon. Unfortunately, a few days after I found out I was pregnant in October of 2002, I woke up to an intense pain on my left side & when I went to the bathroom I was massively bleeding & then I passed out. Kevin rushed in and woke me up & we rushed to my doctor & after some tests, he informed me that I was having an ectopic pregnancy & that I had to go immediately to the hospital for emergency surgery because the condition was life threatening for me. So, that Tuesday night in late October, I was rushed to the hospital for surgery. Luckily, I have one of the best doctors in the area & he was able to save my left fallopian tube (it was already starting to rupture). I am glad that I was unaware of how serious ectopic pregnancies can be. I didn't realize I could have died if my tube ruptured. Even though my doctor saved my fallopian tube (and my life!), I always wondered how this would effect my ability to get pregnant & have kids. One of my biggest dreams was to be a mommy & for the next few years I wondered if that would ever happen.

Fast forward to the summer of 2005.
This is when we decided to start "trying". We got lucky & I got pregnant the 2nd month after we started trying. I was due May 26, 2006. Kevin and I were thrilled. I couldn't wait to have a baby & be a mommy. I was relieved that the ectopic pregnancy didn't effect my ability to get pregnant. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I went in for blood work to make sure my numbers were doubling. My dr called and told me my progesterone was low & I needed to be on progesterone suppositories 2 times a day. Let me tell, you , those are NOT fun. Nasty. My pregnancy was progressing, at 6 weeks the nausea hit big time & I was throwing up 2-3 times a day. I was miserable, but it was worth it. We had our first ultrasound at almost 6 weeks to make sure the baby was in my uterus and not my tube. The baby was in my uterus & I scheduled another appt at 8 weeks for the heartbeat check. The 8 week ultra sound was no so great. There was a heart beat, but it was very low & took my doctor a long time to find it. He said I needed to come back in a week for another heartbeat check. At that appointment, there was still a slow heartbeat, but the baby was not growing on track & was only measuring 7 weeks. My doctor warned us not to be too optimistic, but I still had really bad morning sickness and was getting sick a few times a day. I thought that was a good sign. I had to go in again at 10 weeks for another heartbeat & growth check. At the 10 week appointment, the heart had stopped beating. We had lost the baby & my doctor scheduled me in for a D&C that night. It was a Tuesday night in late October, just like 3 years before. As I walked into the hospital for surgery, I felt like I was on Groundhog Day. Another surgery to remove another baby from my body that didn't make it.

After my D&C, I was going through the motions of life. We were told to wait 3 cycles before we could try again so that my body could heal. Those were 3 very long, hard & dark months for me. I was numb.

My 2nd miscarriage hit me so much harder than my first one.

I was mad at God for taking this baby from us.

It took me about 6 months to process it. During that time, I had a lot of support from family & friends and for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful to my awesome & supportive husband who would hold me as I cried many nights mourning our loss wondering if I would ever have a baby. I would cry myself to sleep whenever a friend told me they were pregnant. I was truly happy for them, but SO sad for me. It was just another reminder of what I didn't have.

I am thankful to our pastor who helped me process some of my feelings & emotions during the months after our loss.

I am thankful to my mom who encouraged me during this time & gave me hope (she had 4 losses in between me & my younger sister including an ectopic & a placenta separation at 21 weeks).

I am thankful for my best friend AK. She had 2 miscarriages around the same time I did. I was able to call her & cry with someone who was going through the same thing I was. She understood my pain.

I am thankful to my dear friend Lorie who had suffered 2 losses. She shared her prayer journal with me & held me up in prayer when I was too sad to pray for myself.

After we good the go ahead to start trying again, it took us 3 months and we got pregnant in May of 2006. We found out on Kevin's 31st birthday, (a week before my "due date" with my 2nd miscarriage) We were excited, but I was really nervous about having another miscarriage. I was a stress case & paranoid my entire pregnancy.

On January 23, 2007 , I gave birth to our beautiful Katelyn Grace. It was a moment I will never forget & an emotion I can't put into words.

I was reminded again at the miracle of life when Claire was born on September 9, 2008.

God has a plan. His timing is perfect. Trust in Him.

These 2 girls are a reminder of that truth...



I never thought I would say this, but part of me is grateful I have been through miscarriages because it has given me compassion & a heart for those who have also suffered losses. My miscarriages caused me to cling to God & put my faith, hope & trust in HIM instead of myself.

It drew me closer to Christ as I clung to Psalm 20:4:
"May He give you the desires of your heart and make your plans succeed."
God was faithful to me even though many times, I have been unfaithful to Him.

I am thankful to God who carried me through a dark time & showed me that He was there for me & He did have a plan for me & that HIS timing is better than my timing.

Because of this, when I hear of others who have suffered a loss, I mourn with them. I pray for them, I listen, I cry with them. My heart breaks with them.

I can't make them feel better or make their pain go away, but I can make it less lonely.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I was reminded again & again that God has a purpose & a plan even when I don't understand.

Another thing I have learned through this is that I was NOT alone during a time where I felt so alone and when it seemed like EVERYONE around me was pregnant, except me. God was there, carrying me through this tough time.

I discovered that intercessory prayer is powerful. To have people praying for you when you don't have the words to pray yourself is humbling.

My journey & story seems so insignificant compared to those who have suffered the loss of a newborn or an infant. To my friends Wendy, Ginny, Angie & Julie your strength is amazing, your courage mighty & your faith inspiring. God has used your stories in BIG ways in my life because of your children.

If you have lost a baby through miscarriage or infant death, I want to pray for you on this day of remembrance.
So, if you are one of those women, will you please leave a comment on this post and tell me your name so that I can be praying for you?
If you are someone struggling with infertility, I want to pray for you.
If you are waiting to adopt, you will also be lifted up in prayer.
If you want, you can include the nature of your loss, and the child's names so that we can pray for you. If you want to leave an anonymous comment, you can do that also.

If you haven't lost a child, will you join me in praying for those who have?

Life is Precious

It started off like any other Sunday.

But it wasn't.
We went church (running late, of course)
We came home, made lunch, let the girls play for a little bit & then put them down for naps.
Kevin & I planned on getting stuff done around the house, but I was exhausted from our Tahoe trip last week, so I decided to take a nap also.
After we all got up from our naps, the girls had a snack & then they were playing dress up & blocks.
Claire was running around the living room like she always does,
(If you know Claire, you know she doesn't walk...she runs)
As she was running toward the stairs, she tripped and fell right before the entry way step.
Her chest hit the step & her head hit the tile entry way.
Kevin and I were only a few feet away, so I quickly picked her up to console her.
Claire didn't cry....she was doing the "silent cry" (you know when their mouth is open, but nothing is coming out?).
After about 20 seconds, she was still doing the silent cry, so I handed her to Kevin to see if he could get her to settle down.
Next thing we knew, Claire went limp & her eyes glazed over.
We were screaming her name & got no response from her.
She wasn't breathing. She was turning gray.
It was the scariest moment of my life.
I thought we were going to lose her.
Kevin told me to call 911.
I remember saying "Jesus help her!"
I called 911 while Kevin took Claire to the front yard.
The 911 call was a blur...I remember walking upstairs while I was on the phone so that Kate wouldn't hear the call (she was still playing dress up while all of this was going on)
Part way through the call, I heard Kevin tell me that Claire came to and was breathing & responsive.
A few minutes later the fire truck & ambulance arrived.
(I was seriously impressed how fast they came!)
We were in the front yard waiting for them & we all went inside for them to check out Claire.
At this point she was responsive & alert.
They checked her for a concussion, check her eyes, palpated her, and did a bunch of other stuff to make sure she was okay.
It was all a blur....I just remember counting 7 firemen/paramedics in my house.
Then Claire starts batting her eye lashes & flirting with the fire men. They got a kick out of that.
Kate remains unscathed from this event...she loved seeing the fire truck on our street.

What they think happened is that she got the wind knocked out of her when she landed on the step and because of the "silent cry" (not breathing) it caused her to pass out.
They reassured us that we did the right thing by calling 911.
They don't think it is a concussion, but gave us a list of things/behaviors to be aware of for the next 24 hours.
It was such a random freak accident.
Kids run & fall all the time.
Claire just happened to fall at the wrong spot & give us a big scare.
It was the scariest moment of my life.
I can't get the image out of my head of Kevin holding her while we screamed her name and her not responding. It was awful.
We are counting our blessings, Claire is fine and was back to her spunky self this evening.
This evening after dinner we played in the backyard.
Every laugh, every giggle and every funny thing Claire or Kate did seemed priceless and un-replaceable.
Life is precious & today I am thankful for that reminder.
Go hug your kids.

**Edited 8.6.10**
Turns out Claire has Breath Holding Syndrome and she will hopefully outgrow it by age 4.

Africa on my mind

Ever since I was a part of Project 320 , Africa has been on my mind & in my prayers a lot in the past few months.
I would love to go to Africa to the villages where our 2 wells are going to be built.
I just can't get it out of my mind, especially because the past week, one of my best friends from college, LV is on a mission trip in Kenya with Compassion International.

(LV & I in college, circa 2000)

Here is LV with the girls when he came to visit us last January:

LV works for Catalyst and he was invited to join a group of bloggers from Compassion International and they have been blogging about their time in Kenya. They are visiting different villages in Kenya that Compassion supports. Over the weekend, LV was able to meet the boy that he sponsors. What an amazing opportunity. Go read his blog, it is a tear jerker!



Compassion is an wonderful organization, Kevin started sponsoring a little boy named Joao from Guatemala in 1999. Last year, after sponsoring him for 11 years, we got a letter from Compassion saying that Joao had excited the Compassion program & was now working to help support is family.
Here is Joao:
We decided to sponsor a new Compassion kid, and we picked a little girl named Sarah who lives in Uganda. We are the first people to sponsor Sarah & I hope we are able to sponsor her until she is 18 years old.
Here is Sarah:
Because Uganda is right next to Kenya, I have imagine that Sarah's conditions are similar to what I have been reading about on LV's blog and the blogs of the other Compassion bloggers.
It just breaks my heart. But, it is amazing to see what Compassion does for the kids we sponsor.
For just $38 a month, this is what your sponsored kid receives:

• Food and clean water
• Medical care
• Educational opportunities
• Important life-skills training
• Most important of all, your sponsored child will hear about Jesus Christ and be encouraged to develop a lifelong relationship with God.

Kevin and I would love to go on a mission trip to Africa or a 3rd world country one day. It is on my bucket list of things I want to do. It is scary to think about it & even scarier praying about it, but I hope one day God will give us the opportunity to go & see the world through a different perspective.



To read more about the Compassion Bloggers trip, you can click on LV's blog, Mckmama's blog or Shaun Groves blog or click here for list of all the Compassion Bloggers.

You will not be the same after reading their stories & seeing their pictures of what they are experiencing in Africa.

Project 320

In less than 2 weeks, I am road tripping to Southern California with my friends Heather G & Heather M.
We are meeting up with Julie, Marta and Erin.

Five outstanding & inspiring women who are giving,

caring and kind and live their lives for the Lord.

I am taking a road trip with 2 friends to meet 3 women I have never met!
This is so out of the box & random for me.
Why am I doing this?
Because I get to be a part of something WONDERFUL.

Introducing....
Project 320

Julie's AMAZING idea:
Raise $5,000 for charity:water.

$5,000 fully funds a well in Africa.
A well that can save 500 lives.
Change an entire village.
Forever.

The goal is to collect 100 handmade and heartfelt items.
Divide them into 10 prize bundles.
Have five days of giveaways.
Two bundles of prizes featured each day.
But not just the "enter, enter, enter, get, get, get" type of giveaways.
More of a raffle.
Each $10 donation to charity:water equals one entry.

Readers can choose their favorite prize bundle or bundles, donate and then put their names in the drawing to win.
We have our own website so entrants can donate directly to the well and we all can track and celebrate the progress.

If you have an Etsy shop great! What wonderful advertising. Your shop will be linked and featured in each post that includes one of your prize donations.

If you don't have an Etsy shop, but thought about opening one? What a great excuse!
Or, what if you just love to use your hands to create something?
Wonderful!
You are so welcome to!
Even if you aren't able to donate anything handmade, you can donate other things also!

What if you donated a Starbucks card?
Or someone donates a necklace?
How about a Target card ?

Julie lives her life by this verse:
"Now glory be to God! By His mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope."
Ephesians 3:20

Julie has a blog ready to go to host the giveaways and showcase all of the participants.

Please follow this blog as she is about to post some wonderful things!

So in less than two weeks, when I am in So Cal, we will combine all of the wonderful donations and divide them into packages and prepare the blog posts together.

A perfect weekend full of sewing, blogging, eating and FUN.....

The giveaway week is scheduled to run December 14th-18th

with the winners announced on the 21st.

All prize donations will need to be at Julie's house by December 10th.
I know that doesn't give you a ton of time and life is crazy hectic right now.

But you can do it!

If you live by me I can take any donations with me to So Cal.

Just make sure I have your items by Thursday December 10th!

Be sure to send business cards and/or your blog address with the package so we can properly link you and thank you.

Contact me for Julie's address if you would like to send your donations!

And thank you for being a part of Julie's wonderful idea to make this

world a better place.

To learn more about how the non-profit organization charity:water got started, watch this amazing video:

October 15th

Today, October 15th is National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant loss. This includes all babies who have died because of miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or any other infant death.

Unfortunately, I am one of many women who has suffered a loss.

I had 2 miscarriages before I had my girls.

Ectopic Pregnancy at 6 weeks on October 22, 2002 (due date June 23, 2003)
Miscarriage at 10 weeks D&C on October 25, 2005 (due date May 26, 2006)

I still think about them & wonder.
Were they a boy or a girl?
I could have a 6.5 year old and a 3.5 year old.
But then I wouldn't have Kate or Claire.
God has a plan. His timing is perfect. Trust in Him.
This is what would remind myself during my saddest days.

In the process of having miscarriages & sharing about them, I have met many, many women who have lost their sons and daughters. I have friends, family & co workers who have had miscarriages. I have several friends who have lost their babies at full term, days & months after having them. I can't imagine the pain they have suffered.

The Lord has broken my heart for families who have to endured these types of losses. I don't fully know the pain these families have gone through, but I have felt a small fraction of it.

This is one of the reasons I felt called me to become a volunteer photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep last year. I cannot take away the pain of someone's loss, but I can give them something to remember their child by.
You can read about my journey to become a volunteer with them HERE.

Here is my story of loss:
Kevin and I got married on August 24, 2002. We wanted to wait 3-4 years to have kids. I was on the pill and took it religiously at the same time every day. Imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant 2 months after we got married. We had always wanted kids, just not so soon after getting married. I went to the doctor & they gave me a due date of June 23, 2003. I was FREAKING out & couldn't believe I was pregnant. This pregnancy was our "honeymoon baby". Apparently I got pregnant on our honeymoon. Unfortunately, a few days after I found out I was pregnant in October of 2002, I woke up to an intense pain on my left side & when I went to the bathroom I was massively bleeding & then I passed out. Kevin rushed in and woke me up & we rushed to my doctor & after some tests, he informed me that I was having an ectopic pregnancy & that I had to go immediately to the hospital for emergency surgery because the condition was life threatening for me. So, that Tuesday night in late October, I was rushed to the hospital for surgery. Luckily, I have one of the best doctors in the area & he was able to save my left fallopian tube (it was already starting to rupture). I am glad that I was unaware of how serious ectopic pregnancies can be. I didn't realize I could have died if my tube ruptured. Even though my doctor saved my fallopian tube (and my life!), I always wondered how this would effect my ability to get pregnant & have kids. One of my biggest dreams was to be a mommy & for the next few years I wondered if that would ever happen.

Fast forward to the summer of 2005.
This is when we decided to start "trying". We got lucky & I got pregnant the 2nd month after we started trying. I was due May 26, 2006. Kevin and I were thrilled. I couldn't wait to have a baby & be a mommy. I was relieved that the ectopic pregnancy didn't effect my ability to get pregnant. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I went in for blood work to make sure my numbers were doubling. My dr called and told me my progesterone was low & I needed to be on progesterone suppositories 2 times a day. Let me tell, you , those are NOT fun. Nasty. My pregnancy was progressing, at 6 weeks the nausea hit big time & I was throwing up 2-3 times a day. I was miserable, but it was worth it. We had our first ultrasound at almost 6 weeks to make sure the baby was in my uterus and not my tube. The baby was in my uterus & I scheduled another appt at 8 weeks for the heartbeat check. The 8 week ultra sound was no so great. There was a heart beat, but it was very low & took my doctor a long time to find it. He said I needed to come back in a week for another heartbeat check. At that appointment, there was still a slow heartbeat, but the baby was not growing on track & was only measuring 7 weeks. My doctor warned us not to be too optimistic, but I still had really bad morning sickness and was getting sick a few times a day. I thought that was a good sign. I had to go in again at 10 weeks for another heartbeat & growth check. At the 10 week appointment, the heart had stopped beating. We had lost the baby & my doctor scheduled me in for a D&C that night. It was a Tuesday night in late October, just like 3 years before. As I walked into the hospital for surgery, I felt like I was on Groundhog Day. Another surgery to remove another baby from my body that didn't make it.

After my D&C, I was going through the motions of life. We were told to wait 3 cycles before we could try again so that my body could heal. Those were 3 very long, hard & dark months for me. I was numb.

My 2nd miscarriage hit me so much harder than my first one.

I was mad at God for taking this baby from us.

It took me about 6 months to process it. During that time, I had a lot of support from family & friends and for that, I am thankful.

I am thankful to my awesome & supportive husband who would hold me as I cried many nights mourning our loss wondering if I would ever have a baby. I would cry myself to sleep whenver a friend told me they were pregnant. I was truly happy for them, but SO sad for me. It was just another reminder of what I didn't have.

I am thankful to our pastor who helped me process some of my feelings & emotions during the months after our loss.

I am thankful to my mom who encouraged me during this time & gave me hope (she had 4 losses in between me & my younger sister including an ectopic & a placenta separation at 21 weeks).

I am thankful for my best friend AK. She had 2 miscarriages around the same time I did. I was able to call her & cry with someone who was going through the same thing I was. She understood my pain.

I am thankful to my dear friend Lorie who had suffered 2 losses. She shared her prayer journal with me & held me up in prayer when I was too sad to pray for myself.

After we good the go ahead to start trying again, it took us 3 months and we got pregnant in May of 2006. We found out on Kevin's 31st birthday, (a week before my "due date" with my 2nd miscarriage) We were excited, but I was really nervous about having another miscarriage. I was a stress case & paranoid my entire pregnancy.

On January 23, 2007 , I gave birth to our beautiful Katelyn Grace. It was a moment I will never forget & an emotion I can't put into words. I was reminded again at the miracle of life when Claire was born on September 9, 2008.
God has a plan. His timing is perfect. Trust in Him.

These 2 girls are a reminder of that truth...

I never thought I would say this, but part of me is grateful I have been through miscarriages because it has given me compassion & a heart for those who have also suffered losses. My miscarriages caused me to cling to God & put my faith, hope & trust in HIM instead of myself.

It drew me closer to Christ as I clung to Psalm 20:4:
"May He give you the desires of your heart and make your plans succeed."
God was faithful to me even though many times, I have been unfaithful to Him.

I am thankful to God who carried me through a dark time & showed me that He was there for me & He did have a plan for me & that HIS timing is better than my timing.

Because of this, when I hear of others who have suffered a loss, I mourn with them. I pray for them, I listen, I cry with them. My heart breaks with them.

I can't make them feel better or make their pain go away, but I can make it less lonely.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes.

I was reminded again & again that God has a purpose & a plan even when I don't understand.

Another thing I have learned through this is that I was NOT alone during a time where I felt so alone and when it seemed like EVERYONE around me was pregnant, except me. God was there, carrying me through this tough time.

I discovered that intercessory prayer is powerful. To have people praying for you when you don't have the words to pray yourself is humbling.

My journey & story seems so insignificant compared to those who have suffered the loss of a newborn or an infant. To my friends Wendy, Ginny, Angie & my blog friend Julie your strength is amazing, your courage mighty & your faith inspiring. God has used your stories in BIG ways in my life because of your children.

If you have lost a baby through miscarriage or infant death, I want to pray for you on this day of remembrance. So, if you are one of those women, will you please leave a comment on this post and tell me your name so that I can be praying for you? Or, if you are someone struggling with infertility, I want to pray for you also. If you want, you can include the nature of your loss, and the child's names so that we can pray for you. If you want to leave an anonymous comment, you can do that also.

If you haven't lost a child, will you join me in praying for those who have?