8.21.2013

Chapter 4: Your Body After Birthing a Baby + a $100 Babies R Us Giveaway!


I remember when I was pregnant with Kate & about to be a first time mom.
I was filled with excitement, anticipation & feeling like I had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.
Even though I had babysat a ton in middle school & high school and was comfortable around babies, I wanted to make sure Kevin and I were TOTALLY prepared for when baby came. 
The last few months of my pregnancy we got the nursery ready, we registered, people threw me baby showers. We were "prepared" with all the baby items.
Our hospital offered classes for expecting parents. We took the Infant CPR class,  care of Newborn class, the breastfeeding class, took the hospital tour and of course took the 2 day Labor & Delivery class. I read books, and articles & websites. Information overload, but I was prepared!
We were ready!
My due date came & went and 2 days after, my doctor decided to induce me because it was a "big" baby.  
The induction went well, I was pumped full of pitocin, got an epidural 12 hours into it, had to push for almost 3 hours and then heard the most glorious words ever spoken, "It's a GIRL!"
We were overcome with emotion, so happy to have delivered a healthy 8.5 pound baby girl. 
Which left me with a 2nd degree tear and almost 20 stitches. Yowza.
I was on an adrenaline rush & felt no pain. And also, epidural. Thank you, Jesus.
Because of my long labor,  I hadn't slept in 36 hours, but I was on cloud 9.  I went to sleep that night with our baby girl in the isolette next to me in the hospital room feeling incredible. 
I had just birthed a baby. I was officially a mother.
I woke up the next morning being poked prodded by nurses who were checking on me "down there" It had been over 12 hours since  I gave birth, so all the meds had worn off.
I felt like I had been hit by a semi-truck.
 My whole body hurt. 
My legs, my arms, my neck, my jaw muscles, my face. 
I was a college athlete. I played all 4 years of college & did 3 a days during preseason.
I thought I was tough & had a good pain tolerance.
But, this? The after birth pain? Ridiculous.
My right hand, my index, middle and ring fingers had nerve damage from holding my legs while pushing for 3 hours.
The tips of those 3 fingers were numb and tingly. It was very strange. It lasted 2 weeks!
WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THE AFTER BIRTH PAIN?
I took all those classes at the hospital. 
I had tons of friends who had babies.
NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THE AFTER BIRTH PAIN!
Why doesn't anyone talk about it?
No one tells you about that pain you feel the next day after giving birth! 
Or the amount of blood that comes out of you!!!
The blood, oh the blood.
Since my birth with Kate, I made sure EVERY WOMAN I knew who was pregnant & having a baby for the first time was informed about the after birth. 
More people need to talk about it. 
There needs to be awareness about the blood & the pain that you feel in your lady parts.
And, it didn't just last for a few days.
About a week after having Kate, I was having pain when I went #2.
The hospital sent me home with stool softeners, but when they ran out a few days later, I never got a new bottle. I thought I was fine.
I was not fine.
Every time I went to the bathroom, it felt like I was (excuse my language) "shitting a knife". 
There was blood and I couldn't sit down for a few hours after going #2.
I assumed it was a hemorrhoid.
I managed to not get hemorrhoids during my pregnancy, but I assumed that I developed one while pushing out a baby for 3 hours.
 I made an appointment with my doctor to get my 'roid checked out.
He did a full on 'roid check. 
That was embarrassing. And uncomfortable.
Turns out it wasn't a hemrohoid. 
It was an ANAL FISSUE.
Which is basically a tear in your a$$ hole.
Lovely.
Because I tore so badly in my lady parts when giving birth, it also caused tears in the other whole.
 Every time I went #2, it got worse.  And because I stopped my stool softeners a few days after giving birth, it really caused issues, like an Anal Fissue.
Because of my fissure (who I referred to as Fred the Fissure), 
I had to be on stool softeners and sit on a pillow until Kate was SIX MONTHS OLD.
I couldn't use toilet paper (too painful) but had to use moist towelettes every time I went to the bathroom.  FOR SIX MONTHS.
Why do I tell you these things?
Because no one told me about the after birth pain.
No class mentioned it & none of my friends who had given birth talked about it.
But me? I tell all my 1st time to be mom friends about it.
The good news? 
My after birth & recoveries with Claire & Luke were a piece of cake.
But that first time? That was rough.

Moral of the story?
Don't stop taking Stool Softeners until a few weeks after birth or you might end up with some issues like  me. Somehow, that got left out of all the books & classes I read while preparing for Kate's birth & becoming a mother. Stool softeners are your friend. Fred the Fissure is not.
And, also?
Talk about your after birth stories with friends. 
You can learn a lot from each other.

My story is Chapter 4 in the MAM Blogger Real Parenting Guide. I encourage you to read other chapters and find out more about all the stuff, like the bottles, pacifiers and teethers that MAM makes to make the job of parenting easier.

Want to win a $100 Babies “R” Us gift card?

Leave a comment below answering the following question: “What’s the funniest thing you said while in labor?”

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For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.
This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winner will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.
This sweepstakes runs from 08/21/13-10/07/13.

Be sure to visit the MAM Brand Page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ posts and find more chances to win!

179 comments:

  1. I don't think I said anything funny, but my husband would disagree. I was in the middle of pushing and a nursing student popped in and immediately introduced herself/said hi.

    I returned the pleasantry mid-push. While 'hi' isn't funny, taking the time out to mind my manners apparently was.

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  2. I didn't say anything funny but my husband did something funny. My water broke a few hours afte induced and while sitting on the toilet in my hospital room, my husband thought our nurse should know, he pushed the call button. However, he thought he pushed it. But it instead pushed the emergency button, the big red circle encased in a clear glass box...yeah that one. While I was half naked in the toilet 20 medical staff came running in and there I was. On the toilet, half naked. Hi.

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  3. I second the Stool Softners! And I managed not to get hemorrhoids until baby #3. Ugh. I didn't think I said anything funny during labor but my husband thinks its funny when I was having Jayce (au natural, no drugs), I told everyone that I wasn't going to do this any more. His head was crowning, lol!

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  4. Oh Mel. I wish I couldn't relate to many things in this post, including the lovely stitches and tears. Everywhere. And then I had a C-Section the second time, and I experienced another "after birth" pain that no one talks about-- GAS. Apparently that always happens after major surgery? UGH!

    And P.S, after 20 hours of contractions with my first, when the nurse told me I was only 1 cm dilated... I might have dropped an F bomb. So glamorous to have a child!

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  5. Amen, sister! Nobody talks about that stuff....and they should! I don't know if this is funny or not, but I distinctly remember repeating, "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I can't do this anymore!" when I was in transition (and with no epidural) from 8-10cm. It sounds overly dramatic, but I literally felt like I was going to die - ha! I think it really freaked my husband out but within 10 minutes, my little girl was born and I was a much happier woman! I hate that you had such a horrible healing time "back there"! I had some tearing and stitches but nothing like you. You are my hero! :-)

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  6. Well, It wasn't something I said it was what I did....and it wasn't funny to the poor nurse! I had and unplanned C-section (16 mo ago) and my drugs did not work. That's right I felt my ENTIRE C-section. All of it, being sliced open, baby out, stitched and stapled back together. Well, during this chaos, I pinched my nurse on the arm. Hard, she screamed. Shocked I'm sure, as was I that I was even doing it! I pinched the nicest woman in the world, the woman who ripped my Anesthesiologist a new one for not getting my meds right. I pinched her. She'd been a nurse longer than I was alive and never had been pinched. I felt awful.

    You are quite the woman to have 2 more babies after that! : )

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  7. Super painful story - I too tell every pregnant women I know about the after birth. And emphasize that it is not the time to be a hero.

    My funny thing I said in labor - I grew up in the Bay Area and am a huge Giants fan. My second son was born in the early morning of Oct 26, 2012 and the Giants were playing in the World Series the night of Oct 25 while I was in the hospital. Twice when someone came in to check on me, I asked if they could come back after the inning was over :)

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  8. I completely agree about the stool softerners - I wish someone would have told me about that kind of after birthing pain.
    I was induced with my first, and after being on the pitocin for awhile, I yelled at my husband and the nurse, "I think that I just peed all over myself!" My water had finally broken.
    I'm having my 3rd baby in February - I would love to win the gift card!!

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  9. My girls are grown up so I won't have a need for the gift card, but I have to tell you. I LOVED your story and honesty! It's true that nobody tells you about the stuff after birth! Thanks for keeping it real :) Heather

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  10. OMG, I'm laughing but it is with you. I remember feeling like I got hit my a Mack 10 truck. Thank God my husband stayed the night in the hospital with me - I couldn't even get out of bed by myself!!! I had one friend give me a few warnings about post-birth issues but I was NOT prepared. I felt like I had PTSD and was afraid everytime I had to go #2 for the first 2 months!
    ~
    Funniest comment was shortly after birth. I looked at my husband & my L&D nurse and said "I never cussed, and I never said I couldn't do it" and they both laughed & responded with "but we could tell you were thinking it!"

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  11. I didn't really say anything funny, but looking back saying "I could do this again" before the full after effects of birth hit me was HILARIOUS. My daughter is 10 months and I am planning to wait a while before "doing it again" :D

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  12. Oh my word, I feel you! Being hit by a semi is exactly how I've been describing how I felt after giving birth to my son. I couldn't lay down or sleep for the first week because my body and chest hurt so bad. And let's not forget that stupid squirt bottle you get to use to clean up the stitches every time you use the bathroom! I can't tell you how many times I forgot it and had to have my husband bring it to me while on the john. Sigh!

    I didn't really say anything funny in labor. I just got quiet. My hubby thought my politeness was pretty funny, though. He and the dr were deep in conversation about healthcare technology during my hours of pushing and every time I'd have a contraction, I'd wait until a break in the conversation to tell him to hold my leg so I could push. Wouldn't want to interrupt apparently. LOL

    All I gotta say is...thank God for the epidural!

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  13. This is so awesome that u are so real about it... The poop issues after my two boys almost make me rethink having another lol...

    With my first I pushed for 3 hours and at one point I brought my leg down and refused to push anymore because I was exhausted... He was crowning and it hurt but my husband finds it hilarious that I just matter of factly said nope I'm done...

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  14. I kept saying "I'm Done". I didn't care if my baby stayed inside forever, I was done with contractions and I didn't want to push!

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    1. Also, something else funny that happened when the dr was using the vacuum to help the baby out it "slipped" off the baby's head and splattered "stuff" all over my husband. The dr just looked up and said Sorry. It wasn't funny at the time, but now we laughed about it every time we bring it up.

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  15. Oh my word, you poor thing. Like you, I was shocked with everything that was "post-birth" and you can be darn sure I was telling my closest friends what to expect and what it would REALLY be like.

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  16. Oh my, I am glad you wrote that post! I just had my first baby 3 weeks ago, was in labor for 33 hours. I can not even say how sore I was afterwards! I also had a second degree tear but didn't realize that could mean 20 stitches? I do have stitches, but no one mentioned how many, and I didn't think to ask. It's funny, I try to express how sore I was/still am, and people just say, "Oh, you'll forget about it in time." Like it was nothing. I realize so many women give birth, but I don't think some women realize how hard it is on some women, especially when there is a long labor.

    I don't think I said anything too funny during labor, I was so tired and miserable. I remember saying, "I just want the baby out, get it out!" Even as I was saying it, I thought, "Well, that's a dumb thing to say, ha! Of course, they are trying to get the baby out!" I kind of laughed at myself at that point...in between tears. ;-)

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  17. Oh gosh that's awful! I thought these things would not happen to me since I had a c-section...LIE! You still bleed, still have stool issues, etc. And have to carry around a medicine ball for a few days and figure out positions to breastfeed while keeping the baby off of you. Got an infection as well. And pull a foot long tube out of your stomach when you get home. Yep, they don't tell you that stuff! :) Most painful month of my life!

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  18. Oh my...I have never endured an anal fissure (never thought I would say that!) but the way you described the pain...it sounds awful! I am so sorry you went through that! It does sound like you had an awesome attitude about it, though. I remember that Dr. W told me that I "shattered" my perineum. So I was terrified for the big BM after labor.
    I remember when I was in labor with my Daughter, my Nurse came in to ask if I wanted any pain medication. I was in a lot of pain, but wanted to go natural, so I looked over at her and sang, yes, sang, "I feel good, da na na na na, I knew that I would..."
    After all was said and done, she told me that she would never forget me. So I guess my song made a good impression! I must have been delirious!

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  19. Oh, this scares me. I have 5 weeks until baby and this is terrifying. But I'm glad you shared because so many people don't share and actually the only thing I've worried about this whole pregnancy is the after part because you never hear anything about it!

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  20. I couldn't agree more! I built up the labor and delivery so much that I didn't even think about the after. I remember thinking a week after I had Jackson that I should magically feel fine and be all normal again. NOT!!! I walked around for about a month looking like I had a corncob stuck up my butt! No JOKE!!! As for funny things, I don't think I said anything funny. My mom was also in the delivery room, and she told me later on that I was constantly thanking every one around me in the room. I evidently was also worried about my dad being alone in the waiting room. To which my mom said she replied, "Your having a baby! He's fine."

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  21. Looking back I can laugh at what happend, but at that time I was quite embarrassed! At some point before I started pushing I heard a loud farting noise and I looked at my husband in disbelief thinking that he had just passed gas in front of the doctor and nurses. He proceeds to snort and say indignantly, "That wasn't me, that was you!" I then tried to deny it, honestly believing that it wasn't me, until the nurse chimes in that it is completely normal for this to happen during birth :)
    Also, after giving I thought I had a massive hemorrhoid and when the nurse checked things out she said there was a very small one. I would have hated to have felt what it was like to have a large one!

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  22. A nurse said rate your pain. I said a 9 when I was 5 centimeters upon admittance. She said 'oh honey that's cute. Get braced for it, you have no idea what's coming."
    onefrugalgirl AT gmail DOT com

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  23. https://twitter.com/OneFrugalGirl/status/370385746537893889
    onefrugalgirl AT gmail DOT com

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  24. During labor with my first, my grandmother came in the room for a little visit; during which I had the worst contraction up to that point...after the contraction I looked up at her and said, "I am NEVER having sex again!"

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  25. Oh man, do I relate to this post. Haha. Swollen to the point that I think the nurses all gasped when they looked down there; hemorrhoids the size of plums; anal fissure (that still comes and goes ONE year later); crazy scar tissue; 12 week healing process? Seriously, I should get the gift card just for that. Haha. And you even told me about the after birth. Did not do it justice.
    I think the funniest thing I said was when I told Dr. W and my nurse that I was a freak and a headcase, and if I admitted it, it made it okay for them to think it. Just wanted to clear the air, you know.

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  26. You did a public service with this post :) I have had 3 csections so I don't have any funny laboring stories. But - with the second one my water broke and I didn't have the nursery painted yet. I was in such denial I tried to convince my husband that I was just peeing a lot so that we could paint the nursery before going to the hospital. By the second time i went to change my soaking pants he said put the paintbrush down and lets go! With the third one the funny story is that we had just bought a new memory foam mattress and my water broke in the early morning during contractions. My husband practically kicked me out of the bed so my "fluids" would be forever in our new mattress :)

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    1. Would NOT be forever in our new mattress!!!

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  27. I had to have 2 epidural s, I have back issues and they gave me some Demerol... While under the narcotic haze I am told that I asked a doctor of color if he knew "what a real slim shady"was apparently in my drugged mind this was knowledge that I was not privy to because of the whiteness of my skin. Thankfully the doctor was an Eminem fan and understood the reference, and was not in the least bit offended by my thinking it was a secret code that I knew nothing of. Steve apologized profusely and the doctor laughed it off, I of course remember none of it... To this day I still wander what those drugs had me thinking

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  28. I remember being in the room contractions weren't too too bad yet, But I was getting a little loopy from sitting and waiting when the girl in the next room starts screaming and I mean screaming, first words out of my mouth oh she must be watching a scary movie..lol The nurse that was checking on mesaid she wasn't even in labor yet...whew..
    And this was the girls 3rd baby...

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  29. I was pretty calm with all 3 of my vaginal deliverys so I didn't say anything too funny. With my 4th it was an emergency csection at 33 weeks and I told my husband I felt cheated not having labor. I love the anticipation of labor and excitement of not knowing how long it will last. But, he thought I was crazy!

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  30. i don't remember what i said during labor!

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  31. I don't have children but was present during my cousins childbirth and she kept saying she thought she was peeing on herself!

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  32. I am hoping my next delivery will be like your 2nd & 3rd babies, because I don't want to deal with those kinds of issues again! I had to have a scar tissue removal surgery 6 months after having Nolan, and I am pretty sure there is still some kind of scar tissue there.
    Funniest thing I said during delivery...I don't remember. I do know that I tried to be as pleasant as possible every time the nurses came in, so when I was ready for an epidural, they really didn't think I was in enough pain!
    www.floralandfudge.blogspot.com

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  33. I screamed after a nurse to bring me drugs please!
    kellywcu8888ATgmailDOTcom

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  34. tweet
    https://twitter.com/kellysaver/status/370540342371573760

    kellywcu8888ATgmailDOTcom

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  35. My friend gave me stool softeners per her experience. When I asked the nurse she told me not to take them just to eat a lot of grapes. My husband went to the store and I ate them for weeks and never seemed to have any problems. My got to gift for new mothers is a sitz bath (they help so much in recovery but I found no one ever goes and buys them, magazines to read while on the sitz bath and grapes! Not a gift anyone else will bring but always greatly appreciated!

    Funniest thing I said... nothing too funny but I did throw up!

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  36. While I was getting my epidural I was in an out of body frame of mind & I was hallucinating that my dead horse was there talking me through it. I hugged my mom while I got the epi & just kept saying, "Doobie is here! He says to sit still and I will feel better." HAHA.

    This was after 24+ hrs of contractions every 2 minutes so I guess I was a little loopy ;)

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  37. The thank you for being so open and honest! I too was so shocked after my first baby! The pain, the tearing, the blood, and how it didn't go away immediately. I wanted to scream, Why didn't anyone tell me?! Maybe people think they don't want to scare new moms. Well I think with information and stories it might scare a little but it will also help to prepare!!! Mel, you're awesome.

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  38. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  39. I can't remember every saying anything "funny" during active labor, but when my water broke with my second on a Sunday morning (on the toilet, hooray!) I called out to my husband, all I said was "Babe?" and he said "We're not going to church are we..." I just replied with a NOPE! And oh gosh....i had anal fissures with my second!! Crapping a knife is right...ugh. Wish someone had told me about that...

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  40. About 5 minutes into my pushing with my first (which ended up lasting 3 HOURS and 45 min) my husband said - 'you're doing great! I can see the baby's head!' and he kept saying it...over and over...at about an hour in I said "I don't want to hear another word out of your mouth until you see the ENTIRE BABY" :) love.

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  41. I laughed out loud!! I didn't know about pooping on the table and had no idea that that's what was happening, so that is what I tell expectant mothers! :)

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  42. Here's my funny... I was so shy back then. I barely talked to anyone. My luck they had nursing students that wanted the experience of watching... Not with me there not. I refused to let them, so they took them to someone else. I didn't want just anyone looking at me down there. LOL I think I must have seemed awful rude, but it was my body.

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  43. Love this post because I've thought so many times since giving birth for the first time why don't more moms talk about this so first time moms would be prepared for all the stuff they never tell you in birthing class or baby books. Appreciate the honesty!

    The funniest thing I said during labor was when they were getting me set up to push and there were probably about 10 people in the room (b/c my baby was a few weeks early...so the whole NICU team had to be there) and I insisted that our 7th floor window blinds be closed...as if anyone could see anything from the window and it's not like my privacy hadn't (excuse the pun) already gone out the window with the group of hospital staff already in the room.

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  44. This is no joke! I thought I was the only person on the planet on a soap box about none other than STOOL SOFTENERS post birth. After my first, they actually gave me NO stool softeners in the hospital, and let me leave without things, um, "moving" in that department... never even a mention like "hey, you might want to get you some Dulcolax before you rip yourself wide open!". It was nearly 7 days(!) post birth when I had my near death experience on the toilet and gave the term "ripped a new one" a whole new meaning! I did serious damage to that region and it was nearly A YEAR until I could do my business without pain and bleeding. I thought it was hemi's too, but no... I had literally ripped myself apart. STOOL SOFTENERS ARE NO JOKE. That is the one piece of advice I give every single new mom, and I always remind the veteran moms. Save yourselves, ladies!! Thanks for keepin it real!

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  45. All I remember from the pushing part of my first delivery was being on a constant loop of "MORE ICE CHIPS...did I just poop?" Apparently my mouth was super dry and I was way too nervous about pooping while pushing.

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  46. I had the same experience with everything being ripped down there. The funniest thing I said was asking to bring me steak. I felt so hungry after pushing for hours.

    elena150980@yahoo.com

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  47. https://twitter.com/ElenaIstomina/status/370655569587093504

    elena150980@yahoo.com

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  48. AMEN! The nurse handed me a red pill that night and I'm like what is this...she's like a stool softner. Sleep deprived I'm like "oh I'll be fine" thankfully she forced me to take it. No one also told me that I'd loose bladder control and pee my pants every time I sneeze now. I don't remember saying anything super funny or crazy. I do remember when they were asking all those admittance questions and she asked if my husband and I currently live under the same roof I told her to ask me after I delivered this baby.

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  49. Oh my goodness I feel so bad for you...and the other moms. I never had any issues with this stuff so I had no idea. YIKES!!!

    When I had my first baby we took all the classes and they told the daddy's to pack a bag for themselves with stuff to help us during labor (like foot cream & chapstick) and to pack some snacks for themselves.

    When I was in labor, my husband sat on the couch, turned on the TV and pulled out his "snack bag". Evidently he thought he was on vacation :) He later took a nap during which time my contractions started getting intense so I asked him if he could help me out. He replied "just give me 10 more minutes". Let's just say that didn't go over well at all and for the next 5 kids he was right by my side and left his snack bag at home :)

    Hugs,
    Trisha

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  50. I didn't say anything funny I just really wanted to know the gender!!

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  51. My sweepstakes entry http://www.mamachitchat.com/2013/08/my-birth-story/

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  52. Can we turn the TV up? While watching What not to wear:) I commented on the outfits in between contractions!

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  53. After a nurse inserted a Foley catheter, I asked my family, "am I urinating?" So proper! And I never talk like that.

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  54. Funniest thing I remember saying to my husband was "Good thing I had an enema earlier!"

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  55. tweet:
    https://twitter.com/mami2jcn/status/370716019490164736

    mami2jcn at gmail dot com

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  56. Babynology.com is a resourceful site of baby names of all across the globe. Overall, the site would help you in your searching of baby names. The website has parenting forums as well to start up a discussion about baby names and meanings.

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  57. “What’s the funniest thing you said while in labor?” It wasn't something I said necessarily. We loved Band of Brothers and had been watching The Pacific before I went into labor with my first. We brought the last DVD with us to finish at the hospital. The last episodes are about the battle of Okinawa and are truly horrific. Anyway, that was in the background every time a doctor would come in and then we would hit pause and I know I caught a few of them looking at the screen being like "what the heck? who watches historical action films with gorrilla warfare while in labor?"

    I ended up with a third degree tear and my doc gave me stool softeners. My mom, a nurse, was staying with us the first time I had to "go" and she kept saying "it's okay if you pass out."

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  58. i told my husband i was going to kill him and my epidural didnt work and i did everything naturally! what torture!

    vanitizebaby@yahoo.com

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  59. tweet

    https://twitter.com/MeandBells/status/370899630063497218

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  60. This probably wasn't the most pleasant thing to read just days before I give birth myself...but, I now have a reminder to ask the doc for EXTRA stool softeners!

    This is baby 5. Why am I so nervous?!??

    Funniest thing said? It's not really funny but I recall actually saying, outloud, that my first born was ugly. He was fresh out of me and wrinkly. I was young and dumb! :0)

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  61. I think the best thing I said was please don't make me feel her head, that will gross me out!!

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  62. I broke my tailbone pushing but I thought It was a “toot” and I apologized to the drs and then they told me my tailbone popped and hadn’t passed gas. ha ha


    amypugmire@live.com

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  63. https://twitter.com/1amypugmire/status/371164630321602560

    amypugmire@live.com

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  64. I had a csection with my third son and was pretty loopy afterwards and I was talking crazy I rember at one point talking to my father about going to church as a child and that is a touchy subject with him. I am glad no one recorded me it would be embarrassing.

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  65. https://mobile.twitter.com/AtheistNoMore/status/371455165548621824
    I tweeted this! Funny story's!

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  66. I don't think I said anything funny but I did get aggravated at the nurse who kept coming in to check me and after 27 hours of labor and one check too many I threw a washcloth at her. It's been 33 years and I'm still embarrassed about it.

    ReplyDelete
  67. My son was born 9/10/09 - the first day of the football season. My husband brought the laptop... when I realized it was to check his fantasy football team... I seriously said "Are you really checking your fantasy football team?" I couldn't believe it. We laugh about it now but at the time I was in shock...

    ReplyDelete
  68. While in labor with our first son, my husband started to fall asleep laying on the floor. Poor guy had worked 6 days straight, almost 12 hours each day. I threw a pillow at him and yelled that he needed to focus on me and not himself.

    ReplyDelete
  69. As the epideral was going in I said, "Well, what are we going to name this kid?" My husband and I never agreed on names so it was always down to the wire for us in the naming department.

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  70. I am sure lots of swear and alien language came out from me at that moment. One thing I remember saying was yelling hubby to stop coaching me breathing.
    tcarolinep at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  71. -https://twitter.com/tcarolinep/status/372585152896983040

    ReplyDelete
  72. I haven't had a baby yet and these stories terrify me!! I've heard of ladies screaming at their husbands, saying "You did this to me!!"

    ReplyDelete
  73. I can't remember much of what I said during labor- but I was shocked when I thought it was a girl and they announced it was a boy! :)

    chambanachik at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  74. yelling at everyone to shut the hell up and go away lol

    ReplyDelete
  75. Ohhhhmylord! Yes! Take the freaking things. So, with my first baby the epidural worked GREAT. Felt nothing. Tore a LOT though. And hurt so freaking much the next day ... no WEEK[s]. Second baby felt EVERYTHING because the epidural didn't work at ALL. It sucked. I would never do that on purpose again. Recovery was a million times better though. But I remember saying to my husband [in tears] "I can do this. People used to do this all the time, right?!" AND he said back "Ya, and they were in covered wagons." I wanted to punch him in the throat.

    ReplyDelete
  76. I went into labor 6 weeks early, so it wasn't funny but was totally me, the workaholic, who said "I am leaving the hospital, I am going back to work until the baby is ready." (I stayed and he came out the next day)

    actually, for my second, I told jokes the WHOLE time with my doctor and the staff about anything and everything. Wish I remembered what I said. That was a fun night :)

    tamarsweeps-at-gmail-dot-com

    ReplyDelete
  77. Your post makes me a little bit glad my baby wouldn't move down and ended being taken out via c-section...

    I don't know what other people said during labor, but I said "This is the grossest thing that has ever happened to me."

    ReplyDelete
  78. The funniest thing wasn't so much what I said, but when my water broke at the hospital in front of my husband, I was laughing so hard at his facial expression and fluid just kept coming harder each time I laughed. I guess you had to be there!

    Thanks for the chance to win!
    wildorchid985 at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  79. tweet--https://twitter.com/WildOrchid985/status/375793062737215488

    wildorchid985 at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  80. I was convinced, because the labor was so long, that my son didn't want to ever come out of my stomach.

    ReplyDelete
  81. I kept asking my hubby if I pooped
    tina19820115@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  82. https://twitter.com/HappyTina0115/status/377192556699713536
    tina19820115@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  83. The funniest thing I said during labor is that I had just remembered the yogurts I had in the fridge were about to expire and I needed to go home to collect them.

    mummytotwoboys@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  84. Tweeted
    https://twitter.com/mummytotwoboys1/status/381062829748416512

    mummytotwoboys@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  85. Me to my hubby: "Quick, hide my sandwich." I was not going to listen to the hospital's no food policy so I hid a sub in my hospital bag.
    pryfamily5@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  86. tweeted https://twitter.com/pryfamily5/status/381470065041760256 pryfamily5@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  87. I asked about the score of the baseball game we had been watching before delivery.

    ReplyDelete
  88. Tweet

    https://twitter.com/clc408/status/381755715833970688

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  89. I kept talking about how I was so afraid that I was going to poop while I was pushing. I talked about it a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  90. The funniest thing my friend said to her hubby during labor is I’m going to kill you when this is over
    tweety800265(at)yahoo(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
  91. I don't remember anything during my births
    ky_grandma40@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  92. https://twitter.com/disneyfan40/status/381792918874243072
    tweety800265(at)yahoo(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
  93. My wife said, "Get this doctor out of here. He doesn't know what he is doing!" He has been her OBGYN for years and delivered our first baby.

    ReplyDelete
  94. people telling me to calm down in pain

    freebiel0ve@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  95. tweet: https://twitter.com/akronugurl/status/381892914860658689 .

    freebiel0ve@yahoo.com

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  96. I don't really remember saying anything funny. I do specifically remember asking for an epidural and the nurse told me that they were going to try an IV of sugar water first. I yelled at my husband to go tell her I wasn't taking any sugar water and I wanted the epidural right now.

    ReplyDelete
  97. I tweeted about this giveaway.

    https://twitter.com/cochran_maryann/status/381898941257637888

    ReplyDelete
  98. Ok, it wasnt' me, but my husband. After the episiotomy, my son was still not ready to come out. Hubby leans over and says "Doc is getting the salad fork thingies." (forceps)
    Oh, and I had a fissure too. Dear god, such a pain!!!

    ReplyDelete
  99. LOL--I remember saying "I think I'm pooping...yep, I'm definitely pooping" hehe

    pittsy82@hotmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  100. tweeted https://twitter.com/pittsy82/status/382342655134285824

    pittsy82@hotmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  101. The funniest thing is when my husband was trying to comfort me and he started stroking my hair and i said " Don't touch my head !!!". I hate it when he pets my head - sooooo annoying!
    lisae819 at yahoo dot com

    ReplyDelete
  102. LOL...you're funny! :)
    The funniest thing my friend said to her hubby during labor was, " you're going to get it when I'm all done here! It's all your fault! And no No more babies!" It was their first child and they were planning to have 4 before she went to labor!

    amy [at] utry [dot] it

    ReplyDelete
  103. tweeted:
    https://twitter.com/uTry_it/status/382964732811939841

    amy [at] utry [dot] it

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  104. I haven't given birth yet, so . . .
    Someone I know said, "Please don't let me poop on the table"

    ReplyDelete
  105. Tweeted: https://twitter.com/MelindaJoy926/status/383588654490202113

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  106. I don't remember saying anything funny during labor. I was pretty drugged up so who knows.

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  107. A nurse threatened to leave me to give birth alone so I said, "fine, but I won't know how to cut the cord."

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  108. its been too long ago for me !

    debbiebellows (at) gmail (dot) com

    ReplyDelete
  109. i posted a tweet

    https://twitter.com/bellows22/status/384102043880677376

    debbiebellows (at) gmail (dot) com

    ReplyDelete
  110. I was in too much pain to say anything funny. Probably sounded like a mad woman with all my screaming.

    rhoneygtn at yahoo dot com

    ReplyDelete
  111. Tweeted: https://twitter.com/rhoneygee/status/384238199188385792

    rhoneygtn at yahoo dot com

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  112. Its like a hurricane - I overheard at a delivery

    ReplyDelete
  113. https://twitter.com/mermont84/status/384458306527322112

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  114. I was so upset that they were going to have to do an emergency c-section, I said the “f” word and I never never swear. My hubby was so embarrassed, but we laugh about it now.

    ReplyDelete
  115. https://twitter.com/smilekisses/status/384883890357145600

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  116. I didn’t say anything funny but I looked pretty funny…I was a hot mess walking those hallways and I couldn’t have cared less!
    Shiebs24 at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  117. Tweeted https://mobile.twitter.com/Shiebs24/status/385944899146620928?screen_name=Shiebs24

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  118. I was induced with my daughter and I was lying there in the hospital bed when I heard a huge pop sound from inside. It scared the hell out of me, and I jumped to sit up in the bed and said to the nurse in there "oh my god, either you just opened a pop, or I just popped". She started laughing and came over, sure enough it was me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  119. "get me a sandwich!" scg00387 at yahoo dot com

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  120. "get me a sandwich!" scg00387 at yahoo dot com

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  121. https://twitter.com/scg00387/status/385956979027349505 scg00387 at yahoo dot com

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  122. I was told I needed to have a c-section after being in labor for 40 hours. I told the doctor I wasnt ready because I didnt read that chapter in the book! Ha!!

    ReplyDelete
  123. During my first I was asking for other ways to get the baby out that didn't hurt like new procedures :)

    ReplyDelete
  124. https://twitter.com/eaglesforjack/status/386140444788154368

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  125. I was so lucky that my labor and delivery was fairly easy. The funniest thing was when the nurse asked me to time my contractions and I told her I couldn't stay awake long enough to look at the time.

    willitara [at] gmail [dot] com

    ReplyDelete
  126. I was all loopy from my spinal (C-section baby) and trying to stay calm and not pass out...as soon as they told me he was a boy...I got silly and giddy and invited everyone over for Christmas Dinner. LOL. My son was born in October!
    b dot ringer at Hotmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  127. After I had my baby I asked my husband do I look fat? That's a silly question b/c you still have baby weight after you deliver.

    ReplyDelete
  128. The funniest thing I remember saying was... "boy am I glad I shaved my legs yesterday" I didn't care that my legs were shaved for people to see but they taped a foley bulb to my thigh to get me to start dilating me.. anyway the thought of them ripping that tape off with hair on my leg was awful! My midwife and nurse thought I was worried about them seeing my hairy legs though... Thank you for this blog!! you are right no one talks about this side of childbirth... A friend of mine had a baby 2 weeks after me and another who I met in my birth class had her baby a month after me and it has been great to talk about all the unpleasant stuff with them :-)

    ReplyDelete
  129. a friend said “I apologized to my doctor for being too hairy down there. Then, I proceeded to tell her it was my husband’s fault for refusing to help me trim it!!!

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  130. https://twitter.com/purplelover04/status/386569691906322433

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  131. Not really “funny”, but as soon as my little one came out I asked my husband if she had a lot of hair (bc I had heartburn the entire pregnancy).

    ReplyDelete
  132. Probably that I was having hot flashes, I was so hot and the nurse had to turn on the fan

    tbarrettno1 at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  133. tweet https://twitter.com/ChelleB36/status/386620601768501248

    tbarrettno1 at gmail dot com

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  134. "You're going to clean that up, right?"

    Brittney House BBrittBrat1398@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  135. My sister demanded chocolate icecream.

    ReplyDelete
  136. I dont remember saying anything particularly funny in labor, but when our son was born my husband cut the cord on the wrong side of the clamp and I remember jokingly telling him the baby was only here for mere seconds and he was already putting him in harms way.

    ReplyDelete
  137. I worried about getting the garbage set out for pick up the next day.

    ReplyDelete
  138. tweet
    The only funny thing I remember saying while in labor was that I was never going through this again. And that was while I was in labor with the first of my three sons. I obviously did go through that again

    ReplyDelete
  139. It's not really what I said, but what I did with the cool rag my hubby was using to "sooth" me. I didn't want anyone touching me with all of the pain I was in. So I grabbed the rag from him and slapped him with it:)
    nuthouse(at)centurytel(dot)net

    ReplyDelete
  140. tweeted: https://twitter.com/KerryBishop/status/386953872180133888
    nuthouse(at)centurytel(dot)net

    ReplyDelete
  141. I don't remember anything funny about it

    ReplyDelete
  142. My youngest 2 are 2 weeks shy of being a year apart. I had the same nurse for both. When I was in for the youngest one, she asked "did you have a baby recently? you seem familiar" I said "yes, 2 weeks ago" lol

    braaisjo at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  143. https://twitter.com/tlcfromtn/status/387010859152584704

    braaisjo at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  144. I remember being told to try to hold the baby in until the doctor got there. Yeah right!

    ReplyDelete
  145. While my sister was in Labor with my niece she had advanced quicker than her nurses thought she would and they were telling her to literally “hold the baby in” until the doctor got there… Right before the doctor walked in my sister was yelling “WHERE IS MY DOCTOR? I’M PUSHING AND HAVING THIS BABY WITH OR WITHOUT HER.” It cracked us all up because that is SO unlike my sister.

    ReplyDelete
  146. I don't have any good stories!
    ericacarnes(at)gmail(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
  147. My friend kept telling her husband to leave the room and when he would try and leave the room she would scream at him "How dare you leave me at a time like this?"

    motioncitycutie(at)aol(com)

    ReplyDelete
  148. My husband kept saying "I am sorry baby..." with each contraction...he was panicking

    ReplyDelete
  149. My sis told her husband "don't you dare leave, you are half of this!" lol

    ReplyDelete
  150. Oh boy, you're going to hate me!

    I was also induced. My water broke, but my labor never started. Doc started the inducing meds through an IV after 6 hours of antibiotics. Inducing started at 5pm. I was really nervous because she was my first and because it Friday 13th. Doc promised me that there was no way she was coming before early morning. He explained to me that being induced, labor would probably take longer than if I had gone into labor on my own. I felt better about that. He explained that he couldn't give me the epidural yet because I was only dilated 1, but that when I felt like I needed it, to call him in. Well by 6pm, just an hour later, I felt like I couldn't stand it like that for much longer. I didn't want to seem like a wuss though, so I waited until 6:20(I know, I'm a wuss). I asked my sister to see if he would check me and give me the epidural. He came in about 6:50, less than 2 hours after the drip started. He said he'd check me, but doubted I had dilated much. He explained that he could give me something in the IV, if not and if I thought I really needed it. Then he's checking me and starts shouting. Told my sis to grab one of my legs and was hollering for nurses. He actually screamed, I need a pan!! I had her at 7pm. I never did get any good drugs. I got a 600mg Motrin.

    ReplyDelete
  151. Tweet - https://twitter.com/willitara/status/387118336338710528

    willitara [at] gmail [dot] com

    ReplyDelete
  152. I said "why don't you try pushing a bowling ball out your body" when he told me to relax.

    ReplyDelete
  153. https://twitter.com/SkyShyskyk/status/387184589405298688

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  154. While I was in labor for about 30 hours before the birth of our son my wonderful husband kept saying ‘this is taking too long’ he must have said it about 20 times by the time I sat up in bed and told him ‘you think this is long for you, let me twist your b”"” with each contraction and you’ll see just how long this is taking” I apologized after our healthy bouncing boy was born. He never said that to me with our other two children!

    ReplyDelete
  155. I twitted here:
    https://twitter.com/sufferngal/status/387203905584517120

    ReplyDelete
  156. A close friend, after giving birth.. I walked in the room to see the new baby.. as soon as I walked in, I was told "NEVER AGAIN!" lol

    sheabalentine@yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  157. I tweeted here:
    https://twitter.com/SheaBalentine/status/387228344078446592

    ReplyDelete
  158. My friend told her husband that she hated him because he had done this to her. it was hilarious!

    susansmoaks at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  159. as I went into labor with my second child , we rushed to the hospital and the guard told us we had to go up one level to the ward for babies he said . elevators were off had to walk up a flight of steps and when we got to the door ..it was locked. Good ole hubby said ..well it must be closed. I looked at him with a nasty look and just at that moment my water broke. I looked at him and said …if we don’t get into the hospital right now then you will have to deliver the baby in the parking lot. All of a sudden he ran and left me at the door. I am panicking now. Well here come my husband, security guard, nurses, and doctor, no sooner I got out of the wheel chair I was delivering. Oh..and… Husband also passed out and the nurses had to take him outside.

    ReplyDelete
  160. During labor? Nothing as I had an emergency c-section so it all went by quickly but I was told over and over that I’d have a small baby. When they pulled her out my midwife was like OMG she’s HUGE!! Was almost 9 lbs

    ReplyDelete
  161. I don't have any children, so I have no experienced labor! LOL I hope that is OK and my entry can still count. My own mother was knocked out for her labor and doesn't remember a thing about it. She did tell me a story of my dad thinking I was deformed when he first saw me because I was hot pink and had a cone head! LOL FYI the head is fine but I am still apt to get hot pink easily! LOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oops...here is my email: Angie
      14earth at gmail dot com

      Delete
  162. I tweeted here: https://twitter.com/MsTofuFairy/status/387249796559286272
    Angie
    14earth at gmail dot com

    ReplyDelete
  163. My cousin kept saying she wanted an italian sub as soon as possible!

    pokergrl8 at gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  164. https://twitter.com/aes529/status/387273942613766144
    pokergrl8 at gmail.com

    ReplyDelete
  165. My wife said she was taking a long vacation by herself!

    rounder9834 @yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  166. https://twitter.com/thomasmurphy40/status/387317607390396416

    rounder9834 @yahoo.com

    ReplyDelete
  167. Probably the funniest thing was how easy things were going. Simply meant it really hadn't started yet. That said I did not have particularly difficult deliveries. My first delivery I was lucky to have an OB nurse who delivered a son in the same room. She was right there with me for hours and being a OB nurse, her conversation was filled with lots of great info about after care and even using stool softners

    ReplyDelete
  168. tweeted
    https://twitter.com/bettycd/status/387348762940538880

    ReplyDelete
  169. No kids. No funny story. I want to win this for my friend's grand daughter and her new baby.
    Thanks for the contest.

    slehan at juno dot com

    ReplyDelete
  170. https://twitter.com/slehan/status/387359468188491776

    slehan at juno dot com

    ReplyDelete

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