3.26.2014

"You Got Your Boy"

Without fail, for the past 19 months, if I am out & about with all 3 kids, strangers will come up to me, look at my 2 girls and then see Luke and say to me:
"Awwww. You got your boy"
The first few times I didn't think anything of it (I said things like that before I had kids) but after hearing this time and time again from strangers, it has started to bug me.
I kid you not, without fail, I hear things like this AT LEAST 2-3 times A WEEK.

"Your husband must be thrilled. He GOT his boy."
"Were you trying for a boy?"
"Are you done having kids now that you GOT your boy?"

Why do people assume that we wanted a boy rather than a girl?
I would have been TOTALLY thrilled with another girl.
I grew up in a family of 3 girls, it was (and is!) awesome!

Before I had kids, I was one of those strangers who would make comments to strangers like that & say "Oh, you got your girl or Yay! You got your boy" if they had 2 or 3 of one gender and then their final baby was the different gender. 
Or, I would say things like "Since you have 2 girls are you trying for a boy?"
Or, "Do you wish you had a girl? "You need a girl"
Ugh.
I was totally that person who would make those oblivious comments.
I am sure some of you reading have heard comments like this as well.

But, since having kids I don't say that anymore.
After I got pregnant with Kate after 2 miscarriages, I realized that I didn't care if I had a boy or a girl. 
I just wanted a baby.

We didn't find out gender with any of our pregnancies.
I am a TOTAL planner, but this is the one thing I wanted to have be a true surprise.
Not finding out the gender is hard...it's not for everyone, but we just loved not knowing.
In fact, when after Luke was born...when our family came into the hospital room, I was the one who announced what the baby was.
I didn't say "It's a Boy"
When everyone walked in, I said, "It's Luke!"
We didn't just get a boy...we got our Luke.
We got a truck loving & ball obsessed Luke who is also the sweetest, happiest guy there is.

We thought we were done having kids after Claire.
We were totally fine being a 2 kid family...a 2 girl family at that.
Life was good and we were feeling very content.
Then, God threw us curve ball & I was unexpectedly pregnant with #3.

People were completely shocked that we didn't find out gender with Luke.
People thought since we had 2 girls, then we would for sure find out with our 3rd.
We really, truly, did not care if we were having a girl or a boy.
People would ask what I wanted and I couldn't choose.
I loved growing up with all sisters, so I know 3 girls is SO fun!
But, on the other hand, I thought it might be fun to experience having a boy since I had sisters and 2 girls. 
But, really....I truly, truly, truly didn't care. And, neither did Kevin. 
We knew that boy or girl, God had a plan for our family.
He knew what we needed.
Turns out, His plan was for us to have our sweet Luke.
 
Yes, a lot of people do try for a boy or a girl....and that is totally fine! 
I have friends who desperately want a girl because they have all boys and I have friends who desperately want a boy because they have all girls. 
That is totally normal to have those feelings & desires.

I just know that from personal experience after hearing "You Got Your Boy" weekly from strangers for the past 19 months, that I will never say that to anyone again. 
 I feel like it puts unnecessary pressure & expectations on people who have all of the same gender.

Kids are gifts...Boy or Girl.
Even though I have 2 girls, they are TOTALLY different. 
And, Luke is also totally different as well.
They all have 3 unique personalities and traits.
Yes, I may have 2 girls and 1 boy, but really, I have....a Kate, a Claire & a Luke.

So, to the strangers who am I sure will continue to comment to me & say
"You got your Boy", 
I will continue to nod & smile when they say this to me.
 But what I really want to say is:
"No, random stranger in line at Target.  I didn't 'Get my boy'. 
What I got was so much more... I got a 3rd child....my sweet, happy, smiley & easy going Luke who has captured our hearts and completed our family. Oh, and he just happens to be a boy."

28 comments:

  1. So true! Random people (and some who were friends and should have known better!) would literally offer me their condolences when I told them I was expecting Baby Boy #3. I mean, seriously people, having a healthy baby- boy OR girl- is reason to celebrate, not tell me how sad I should be. (And honestly, yes, I had some adjustment to the news in private, but it was totally unwarranted from other people.) Sorry to rant here, but I remember being so upset by those comments! Like you, I choose my words more carefully now. =)

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  2. Oh I 100% agree! My 3rd child is a boy and has 2 big sisters. He's a month old now and I keep getting that same comment. And all throughout pregnancy they kept asking I bet you want that boy. I had a miscarriage right before I got pregnant with my Zeke and when I got pregnant again I didn't care if it was a boy, a girl or what I just wanted my baby to bring home.
    A couple other comments I get everytime I am out and about from strangers "oh my! You have your hands full." This drives me crazy. I want to ask them, "are my well behaved children bothering you?" Or say something a little nicer like "if you think my hands are full you should see my heart." And the other question I get asked all the time "are you done having kids now?" And to add to it "are you done having kids now that you got your boy?" I'm not sure why any of if is the person at the stores business. But at least I'm done for now with the random person rubbing my belly.

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  3. Love this post! I completely agree! People should pretty much just keep their lips sealed with any and all comments...you got exactly what God planned for you. Three beautiful blessings!

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  4. What a great post - I inky have one right now so I have never really thought about it! But that totally makes sense! And I am always so impressed by your will power not to find out! ;)

    wordsaboutwaverly.blogspot.com

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  5. It's nice that you just smile and nod, but I love your other response. It's great. :)
    I have had several miscarriages and the doctors just can't seem to figure out it is going on. I need a response to "So have you looked in to fertility treatments? How about adoption?"
    What people fail to realize is that response makes it seem like if we don't do one of those things then it's our fault that we don't have kids. As if adoption and fertility are easy immediate answers to the heartbreak we have experienced.

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    Replies
    1. I can relate to this feeling, and I'm so sorry you're in the middle of it. People are well-meaning, mostly, but that doesn't do much to heal the heartbreak you are going through. Prayers that your family comes soon, however it comes.

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  6. This speaks to me so much! I'm 35 weeks pregnant with our 3rd baby. We have 2 boys and are having a girl. And daily, if we are out with the boys (even just 1) I always get 'you got your girl!' or 'finally a girl for you' or even worse 'thank God he gave you a girl, what would you do with 3 boys?' Really?! It annoys me to no end. We wanted a third baby, end of story.

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  7. This is fantastic. It's so presumptuous and demeaning to other families, in my opinion, to assume that a family isn't "complete" until you have one of each gender.

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  8. This is perfect. I had to share :)

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  9. This is exactly how my husband and I feel! I also grew up in a family of three girls (love it!) and have two daughters (my youngest is also named Claire). We are contemplating adding a third baby to our family but I'm dreading the comments about "trying for a boy". We truly don't care either way but those comments about wishing we had a boy truly bug me!!!

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  10. I like the whole "We have a Kate, and a Claire, and a Luke." thing. So true. I have 3 girls and have heard all of those comments. People even said after I had my 3rd, "Don't worry, you'll next one will be a boy." Really?!? We had 3 kids because we wanted 3 kids. ALL children are a blessing from the Lord...

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  11. Oh gee! The comments we get because we have three girls... It drives me crazy! They are usually directed to the future, asking us what in the world we will do with three teenage girls. Strangers tell us all the time that we have to try for a boy. And I have finally started replying if we decide to have another, we will be trying for a baby!

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  12. Our family has the same, girl, girl, and then in February we just had a boy. I have the exact same frustration with people saying the exact thing. I also come from a family of three girls and would have been totally okay with another little girl. Also, people keep saying that we can stop having children now that we have both. Crazy!

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  13. After nine years of infertility, my husband and I stopped "trying". Two months later I found out I was pregnant. When our son Mark was five months old, I found out I was pregnant again. We had another boy, Matthew. I love and adore my two boys, now ages 2 and 3. I was diagnosed with cancer when Matthew was 18 months old and as a result had to have a hysterectomy. I can't tell you how many people ask me "why aren't you trying for a girl", "don't you long for a girl", "two boys...you need a girl to complete your family". While I would have loved to have had a third child, God made that decision for me. Our two sweet boys would complete our family. People need to understand that it's none of their business. None of us have any idea what strangers have been through and are dealing with. I usually nod and smile and say "oh, two boys are just wonderful" but one of these days I am going to share my diagnosis and hopefully that person will think twice before making those kind of comments!

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  14. I love this post! We just found out Baby #2 is another boy and immediately people will say "Oh are you going to try for a 3rd now to get a girl?" I don't get mad because I used to be that person too and understand why they ask, but we are so thrilled to have two boys! Brothers! I always say, I'm glad God chooses because I honestly don't know what I would pick. I know He knows best what I can handle (which I'm surprised is 2 boys :)) but it takes the pressure off my shoulders (like I could choose that anyway) lol. I love my boy and couldn't imagine anything different. All children are blessings from God! Boy or Girl! Love this post!

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  15. the fact that we GET to have children at all is a blessing. and the truth is, we don't get our girls or boys...we are given.
    and that boy you were given? still the cutest thing ever.

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  16. I had 2 girls, and I when I was pregnant with my 3rd, people used to ask me the same questions all the time. "Are you hoping for a boy?" "Going for the boy?" I bit my tongue, but what I wanted to say was, "We're going for a healthy baby." We ended up having our third girl and I couldn't be more thrilled. I would have been just as thrilled with a boy. All I prayed for everyday was that our baby would be healthy. Either way, we are blessed.

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  17. Even with two kids (a boy & a girl) people will say "how nice that you have one of each". I'm like you - I didn't care if I had boys or girls and would have been fine with whatever God saw fit to give us. We also didn't find out the gender before hand. Not many people do that anymore and I think it's one of the most exciting things (and try to encourage people to wait for that awesome surprise but no one ever listens to me!).

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  18. I get that comment all the time. We have two older boy and lost five babies after our now middle son was born. Through God's amazing grace I ended up pregnant with twins, which happen to be boy/girl. People tell me all the time how lucky I am to have a girl. They even say it in front of my other children. One of my older boys asked if I would have been sad if the twins were both boys.

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  19. I'm 31 weeks pregnant right now with a girl. My husband and I honestly didn't care if was a girl or a boy, and when we found out he was just as excited as I was to be having a girl. What surprises me is what some people's reactions are when they find out it's a girl - "How is your husband doing? He must be so upset." What?!? We're just happy that we have a healthy baby (especially after having a miscarriage last summer), and why does everyone assume that men would never want a little girl! I'm so glad that my husband is so exicted for her! :)

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  20. This is great. I have one daughter, who is only six months old, but I have already heard things like, "Maybe next time, your husband will get his boy". It bothers me because it's as if my daughter wasn't enough for him when really she has completely stolen his heart and I watch him fall in love with her over and over. Thankfully, he responds with "I'm just lucky that I have my girl" or "She's so sweet, I'll take 100 more". When we talk about having more children, boy or girl won't matter, but all girls? That would be a blessing, not a tragedy. Thanks for sharing this.

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  21. So very true! After 2, also getting the "was it planned?" and after 3, getting the "are you crazy?". Or some days, I really just wanted to make myself a teacher that had Mormon and Catholic on the front with a check box, as if it really even matters but people ask that TOO! Nuts! They are all such gifts, my Kieran, Anna, Tatum and Liam. So happy that you have your Kate, Claire and Luke. :) xo

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  22. Oops, why that came out "teacher", I meant t-shirt! ha!

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  23. YES. exacttllyyyyyyy. ugh.

    Having two girls I am already getting the pressure of "needing" a boy. Um, no-I don't, actually. If I had another (which we don't even know yet!), and it's another girl, I would be completely and utterly thrilled and I'm pretty sure I'd punch anyone who said anything further about needing a boy. They're our children. We love them no matter the gender and there are families of 4 girls or all 5 boys, etc, and I'm sure those families feel MORE than blessed. ;) Loved this.

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  24. oh my gosh...i love this post so much. as a mom to three boys that is the biggest annoyance to me. I always get "oh I bet you are hoping for a little girl". It just irritates me so bad. Like they are saying my boys aren't enough for me, or implying I am sad I have yet to experience a girl. What really gets me is that people out there really do get sad when they don't get the gender they are hoping for. I like you have had three miscarriages, and all my poor mind can think is please just let my baby get here safely. And then once they are here you can't imagine your family any other way. It was meant to be and has been from the beginning. How could you wish for anything different. Always love your insight....on instagram and your blog. One of my favorites. Love the subjects, particurely this one.....follows my heart exactly!!

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  25. We were just going on a walk and the girls were riding their big wheels and Zeke was in his car seat stroller and we ran into a neighbor for the first time she asked from her car which kid is going with granny? I said "oh I think we will keep all 3 of them." and then she asked, "is it a boy or girl?" I said a boy and she said ooooooh and gave me a thumbs-up. then she asked, "are you through?" (I'm not sure why this was her business and no we are not through, but I said with a forced smile, "oh I don't know, one at a time" and then here's the Best Part... she told me, "you have to remember about college!" ... Uh ok? I was a little shocked that someone I have never met told me this and that I shouldn't have anymore children because of college tuition.

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  26. We have two girls and every where I go random people ask if we will try for a boy. It can be very frustrating! I feel like they are saying my girls aren't good enough. Like we aren't complete without a boy. My husband and I are perfectly content with our little ladies and know perfectly well they are capable of doing everything a boy can do. They love farming as much as they love Frozen. Some people...

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  27. I have a girl (3 years old) and a boy (7 months) and I hear similar comments all the time-- "You have one of each" "What a wonderful american family". After undergoing infertility with both children I was grateful and blessed for either gender! Love your post! Jennifer

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